


Worth

by withering_snowflowers



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Harry Potter - Freeform, Lots of drama, Torture, Unrequited Love, fluffy Jily, the story of everything and nothing, voldemort - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-08-04 12:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 25,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16346471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/withering_snowflowers/pseuds/withering_snowflowers
Summary: What if the reader becomes an Animagus to keep Remus safe?What if he hurts her during one of these nights?What if he falls in love, but not with the reader?It's a story about love, and painfully loving someone and never being the one. It's a story about friendship and trust and jealousy - until it dissolves into doubt and broken trust;





	1. Part I.

**Author's Note:**

> This series was written almost a year ago. I discontinued it because a few people, who were actively reading it back then, kind of spoiled the fun with their not so nice comments.
> 
> It's been almost a year. I am thinking of picking up the pen again. I hope you enjoy the story nevertheless. I am in love with this story, somewhere, somehow - still after all this time.  
> Stay tuned for weird writing and I do hope you might leave a comment. Feedback is appreciated greatly x
> 
> \--  
> Edit 2018/21/10: I totally forgot to add this when uploading the story, somehow it totally slipped my mind - even though I already noticed it during the beta. I guess I was too immersed in finishing the other parts too, hah, sloppy me.
> 
> Thanks for bringing it back to my attention, ArcticKittyCat! I have described the reader in different animal shapes as Animagus, which is of course not correct, as Animagi do not get to choose to shapeshift. After thinking about it again, I decided to leave it in, though it's not correct. Take it as a little artistic freedom haha. Sorry for that though! I hope you will continue to like the story though, apart from that imperfect part.

_Love is a beautiful thing, they always said._

_It was._

The first year at a new school always bore fears that no child would want to admit. New people, a new environment, new subjects and new teachers. So many new things. Were you going to do well? What if you weren’t able to find any friends? What kind of people were the teachers? What on earth would you learn in Defence Against The Dark Arts?

Many questions were already weighing heavy on your shoulders and you haven’t even begun your first year at Hogwarts, the School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, yet. Your mother was smiling kindly as she packed your bags and hung up your uniform while you were anxiously watching her.

“Don’t be scared, little one. Hogwarts is great. You’re going to enjoy it just as deeply as I did.”

“How do you know? What if…what if I suck at these kinds of things?”

“You won’t. I promise,” she assured and let her fingers brush your hair. Your mother was a Muggle-born witch and so for her, Hogwarts had been a new experience too. Unlike you, she had grown up without any prior connection to the Wizarding world, so you had to admit that she had the more reason to be scared. But your mom was a strong woman.

“You worry too much, baby,” you closed your eyes, leaning into her warm touch and letting her soothe your sorrows.

Maybe she was right.

* * *

 

He had the greenest eyes you’ve ever seen. And hair, seeming so soft like the milk chocolate that melted on the tip of your tongue. He wasn’t someone you would notice immediately, always keeping in the background of the group of four boys. Yet, somehow, his gentle character was the tower of their strength, his witty comments the fundament of their friendship.

He was a very good looking boy in a group full of good-looking boys.

And he was best friends with Sirius Black, the mischievous and sarcastic playboy; with James Potter, the arrogant but compassionate Quidditch player whose messy black hair could compete with fluffy charcoal. And there was Peter Pettigrew whose kindness was as solid as rocks, whose smile had the power to brighten your day.

Together, they were the center of the house of Gryffindor. If not for their looks yet – they were all still very young – then it was definitely for the pranks and mischief that James liked to develop and Sirius loved to execute. But he, he stood out, caught your eye in your second year - with his intelligence and witty comments that brought grins upon his friends’ faces. He was the most likable of them all, you found.

 _The founder of Rome_.

Remus.

_Remus, Remus, Remus._

What an unusual name for these modern times.

You tasted his name on your lips, liked the way the letters spilled over your mouth in a breathless whisper. It was pretty; promising lyrics of long forgotten songs and stories of ancient, sun kissed countries.

* * *

 

Thirteen was supposed to be an unlucky number.

But for you, it marked the age where you really met him.

“Hi,” he politely greeted, sounding almost shy.

“Hello,” you briefly looked up, before quickly averting your eyes, not knowing how to react.

“Is this seat free?”

“Uh…yes. Yes it is,” you stumbled over your words, breath hitching and cheeks in rosé. How embarrassing. No wonder your friends kept teasing you that you weren’t able to talk to boys. They were having their first boyfriends by now, holding hands in the hallways and exchanging folded papers under the desks, passed through countless pairs of hands.

“Then..may I sit here?”

“Of course you can,” you gave a shy smile before hiding your face behind the curtain of hair, trying your hardest to concentrate on the book that you were trying to read for Care of Magical Creatures.

“Hippogriffs, huh,” Remus remarked, “Do you like them?”

“I do,” you looked up from your book, surprised that he was actually starting a conversation with you. Remus was settling down, getting a book, some parchment paper and a quill as well.

“You’re reading too?”

“Yes. Well…what else would one do in a library?”

Even though it would have sounded rude if it came from others, somehow Remus managed to make it appear just a polite as.

“You’re right,” your embarrassed laugh conjured a little, amused smile on his face.

* * *

 

Over the course of the year, Remus became your study friend before he then finally gained the status of your best friend.

You were fourteen and life was starting to lose its colours, fading into something more realistic than just princesses and princes.

“Remus.”

“Mhm?” he murmured, deeply engrossed with the constellation chart of stars that he was trying to complete. He was diligently scribbling down names and positions, mumbling incoherent things that you couldn’t really follow. Today you couldn’t focus at all.

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Yes, we are _______,” Remus looked up to give you a bright but warm smile before going back to his homework.

“We’re best friends, aren’t we? And best friends always tell each other everything, right?”

“Yes, yes, of course,” he replied, now a little confused by your question. He seemed concerned; brushing his hair back as he once again looked away from his homework; this time to set the quill down in order to give you undivided attention.

“Why? What’s wrong?”

“Then…why aren’t you telling me where you’re disappearing to with the boys every month?”

Not only have you overheard them whispering in the common room, but you also witnessed them sneaking out of the dormitory, hidden under James’ Invisibility Cloak. If it wasn’t for Sirius height – he was the tallest – you would never have noticed it. Because one night, you had coincidentally caught a glimpse of their feet; just seconds before James noticed the little gap that was caused by his friend.

Remus froze and even in the darkness, you didn’t miss the almost invisible flinch that flashed across his body. There was a moment of silence where he was clearly searching for an explanation, an excuse just so you would stop staring at him the way you were doing right now.

“I am sorry, ______. But I can’t tell you,” Remus then replied, slightly sighing. Hurt was reflecting in your eyes and Remus flinched once again.

“Listen, ________…,” he then begun, an apologetic expression on his face.

“No Remus. Do you not trust me?” you questioned instead. It wasn’t that you wanted to know everything. No, not at all. It was just that James, Sirius, and Peter seemed to be confided as well and they… well, they didn’t always appear to be the most trustworthy people. Even after getting to know them on a more personal level and finding out that they were the most loyal friends that one could wish them. But why wasn’t Remus going to tell you?

And somehow, this hurt.

Didn’t he always tell you that you were his best friend?

Weren’t best friends the people you usually trusted?

“It’s not that. I just…”

“Then why won’t you tell me? If it’s for your pranks… you know I have never once sold you guys off.”

“No. No, it’s something else,” he could’ve said yes and the conversation would be done. But Remus couldn’t lie, just couldn’t when you were looking at him like this. With eyes just as sorrowful as his mother’s.

“But you won’t tell me.”

“I can’t, _______,” he reached out for you, attempting to give you a hug but you just shrank back.

“________,” realization spread on his face as it dawned him that it was in fact not about the content of his secret but about the process of confiding you.

“I have told you so many things,” you whispered hoarsely, “But you won’t tell me anything that goes deeper than the things that you enjoy reading.”

Remus helplessly watched you standing up. He felt awful to see you like this; to know that he wasn’t able to change anything about this. He couldn’t, just couldn’t tell you. If you knew the truth, surely, you were going to hate him.

“I am sorry Remus. But I need to be alone for a bit,” you bit your lips, trying to hold back the tears while almost blindly gathering your stuff together.

It wasn’t until just recently that you started to notice _how little_ you actually knew of Remus. Sure, the two of you were always talking about _something_. But the subjects were never too personal, and if they were, then it was because _you_ were talking about your own life and your own family while he skilfully directed all the attention on other things whenever the conversations began to evolve into less superficial things.

* * *

 

Remus never told you even though you had made up soon after. And you never asked.

But you found out a year later, all on your own. With just the help of precise observation, some books and picking up on signs that the other boys unconsciously dropped, you had eventually figured out what James meant with “Furry little problem”.

Deciding not to confront him due to the fact that you didn’t want him to feel cornered as he probably did when you confronted him the year before. This time you wanted the things the right way. This time you didn’t want to pressure him or force him to tell you. You wanted to show your understanding by acting according to your age. After all, you were already fifteen.

So instead of talking to Remus and the guys about wolves and all that jazz, you wondered about the things that might help to lessen his burden.

Thus, the nights full of reading books and researching begun. You were in high spirits, hoping that somehow, somewhere some unknown wizard might have found some kind of solution. In your mind, you were already picturing how happy your friend would be when you were going to tell him about the remedy that could lift the weight from his shoulders.

Unfortunately, life wasn’t like the TV-Shows that you used to watch at home.

After weeks of fruitless searching, you were on the verge of desperation, until you stumbled upon the words “Animagus” and its definition immediately plucked the strings of your memory. If there was no remedy for his lycanthropy, perhaps you could at least make sure that he was safe and sound?

* * *

 

“Where are you heading?” Remus inquired as he joined your hurried walking. A smile was crinkling around his eyes and you returned it.

“I am going to the library to return some books.”

“Wait,” his large hand grabbed your arm, holding you back.

“What is it?”

“Let me carry these for you.”

The brown haired reached for the stack of books before you could even protest. He had grown a lot taller in the past weeks, easily towering above you.

“No, I can do this myself,” you insisted despite feeling really happy inside.

“Shut up,” Remus scolded you, little laughs rumbling through his chest, “let me help you.”

“Alright.”

“Am I disturbing your lovey-dovey togetherness?” Sirius appeared out of the nowhere, joining your journey to the library.

“No!” Remus and you answered in unison. You wore a blush and Remus’ face showed a slightly amused face. Sirius gave his trademark smirk.

“Where are we going anyways?”

“Library,” you replied and Remus lifted the stack of books in place of an answer.

* * *

 

You were sixteen when you succeeded, finally transformed into the animal of your choice. It was simply overwhelming, this moment of success. You were speechless and soon the tears started to spill endlessly. Happiness, joy, pride, fear, it just all mixed together into a big ball of a mess.

Human. Fox. Fox. Human. Back and forth, human and animal, night and day.

The hard work had paid off, all while you were well aware of the possible danger that this “experiment” was holding. Countless nights of practicing in secret, of sneaking out of the Gryffindor Tower and searching for the Room of Requirement.

By the time you mastered the changing, you were no longer the little girl from before; no. This showed that you were capable of things, of things that you never actually believed to be possible for someone like you, a plain and ordinary girl. Your mother was right. You always worried too much.

And Remus, Remus wasn’t the same too.

He’d become even more handsome, now that the childish features subsided to make place for more defined, masculine attributes. Such as a broader back and a refined jaw line; a stronger grip and the rough fingertips of his large hand whenever his hand brushed yours.

The way his smirk wouldn’t be as mischievous as before, but instead, it had evolved into something so seducing. An effect that he was still so oblivious to. But the girls weren’t, and all the time you were hearing their whispers in the hallway when the two of you were walking past.

But not only he matured, James did too. The Quidditch Captain seemed to have an eye on Lily Evans, a very kind and intelligent girl in the same house as you guys were. And somehow, all of a sudden, she tamed him, transforming him into an even kinder and almost reasonable person. His arrogance remained as one of his refreshing traits though but old habits were hard to kill

Your heart had been thumping with excitement and anticipation. You were finally capable to protect him. It was almost midnight when you snuck out of the girls’ dormitory, first changing into a bug before switching into a more comfortable state.

You had never taken a liking to fly, hence the difficulties whenever you changed into an animal with wings. Following the distinct smell of wolf, you stuck your snout into the snow, following the trail that would end at the abandoned house that nobody dared to approach.

So this was the place he always went to, you mused, lightly jumping into the wooden shack. You landed on all fours and pricked up your ears so to catch any noises. As you had thought, the fox was the form that you preferred.

Remus wasn’t alone the night you found him curled up in the basement of the Shrieking Shack.

He was surrounded by a stag, a dog, and a rat. It was a weird combination, you immediately noticed. But for now, you didn’t waste any further thoughts on this. The realization would hit in much later that night. But for now, all that mattered was Remus’ safety.

Today someone had plucked all the shining lights from the night sky. Only the round moon was laughing at him like it always did whenever he went out with the rest of the Marauders.

Ever since Prongs, Wormtail and he had managed to become Animagi, Remus was less lonely and safer than he had been in the past years of his childhood. And the nights were fun, full of reckless discovery trolls and hysteric running away whenever they met creatures that they weren’t supposed to meet.

The beginnings weren’t exactly a piece of cake, especially because Sirius’ best friend had been so used to being alone, he refused to let them into his life.

Peter and James proved to be just as persistent that he was though, and somehow they managed to stick together for the past five years, going through thick and thin; pain and joy.

And having to share a secret together was stronger than any metal, iron or whatsoever. Sirius reckoned that even diamond – the hardest material on earth – couldn’t even break their friendship. But maybe he was just being cheesy.

He was running through the woods, his paws barely feeling the ground as he raced after beloved Moony who was letting out occasional howls. Right behind him, Sirius heard the clatter of hooves. Prongs just as close, and Wormtail was clinging to his antlers to keep up.

Sirius grinned but his dog version just managed to show its teeth.

Remus came into his view, just a few metres in front.

Things happened pretty fast then.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a body crashed with the werewolf, hurling the wolf to the ground. Remus growled loudly, obviously defending himself. There was a loud scream and it seemed as if his friend managed to attack his striker. But when Sirius, James, and Peter arrived at the scene, all they could see was how the animal let go of Remus, quickly disappearing between the trees.

Even though they couldn’t really communicate with each other, the three friends nonverbally divided tasks. James and Peter were to stay behind while Sirius would hunt down the attacker.

The sharp smell of metal was lingering in the air and Sirius followed it, slipping through bushes and jumping over thick roots of ancient trees. There were many smells mixing in the air, somewhere a unicorn must have passed and just now a raccoon had probably pooped.

Yuck, Sirius hoped that he didn’t step into the mishap. But overall, the smell of blood was thick and distinct, so strong that it was hard to actually cut it out.

He followed the trace up at least two miles before the smell faded and then vanished, probably because the animal had taken the way through water or rivers.

Sirius let out a howl before making his way back to his friends, worried about Remus’ safety.

* * *

 

“Prongs,” he once whispered to his back haired friend, one night when he lied wide awake in his bed.

“Mhm?” James mumbled, scribbling things on a piece of paper. Sirius rolled his eyes, James was writing poems again. What a lovesick idiot.

“Do you remember the incident two days ago?”

“Of course I do. I am not forgetful, Pads,” the reply came immediately, albeit a bit disinterested. Sirius propped himself on his elbows.

“I am thinking, what if it didn’t mean to attack Moony?”

“What?”

“Shh, keep it down James,” Sirius sat up and so did James. The two boys held their breath, listening for any sign that Remus or Peter could be awake. But there were only soft and steady breaths and soon Sirius’ shoulders relaxed again.

“What do you mean, it wasn’t an attack?” James looked him straight in the eye, the poem about Lily Evans was laying long forgotten on the other side of the bed.

“I went to the spot the day after and discovered that if Remus went a bit further, he probably would’ve fallen down the cliff,” Sirius whispered, “what if that animal wanted to save him?”

“Hmm,” James just made and Sirius could see that his friend was seriously considering that idea.

“I don’t know Sirius. This sounds all so far-fetched.”

“It isn’t,” the brown-haired insisted.

“But it’s coming from you, so there might be a chance that it’s true,” James finally admitted and Sirius smirked in satisfaction.

“Shall we play Sherlock Holmes, Prongs?”

“Count me in, Pads.”

* * *

 

Tears were running down your cheeks when you stumbled into the dormitory. The burning pain was blurring your view and your breaths were fast and short. Everything was dizzy.

You supported yourself, trying your best to keep yourself on your feet while pressing your hand to the flesh wound at the side of your hip. Even though it wasn’t too deep, the wound was bleeding so much, all while setting your body on fire.

Dragging yourself into the girls’ bathroom, you ripped some of the toilet paper off and provisional pressed it on the open wound. With your wand, you silently summoned the first aid bag from your belongings so you could wrap the bandages tightly around your body. The pain was unbearable, especially when you dripped some disinfectant onto the open injury. A sharp hiss escaped your lips and for a short moment, you seemed to have blacked out before regaining your full view.

At that moment you had considered going to Madame Pomfrey but immediately threw that idea aside. Going to see the nurse was out of the question. How were you going to explain the reason for this injury? Telling other people about Remus’ secret was not even once in consideration and you’d rather bear the pain than turn him in.

Scared that the wound could bleed through the bandages, you wrapped your scarf around your waist before climbing into the bed, worn out and almost numb from the pain.

“You look horrible,” Lily remarked the day after.

“Thank you,” you answered, carefully sitting down, all while paying attention not to move too much. Each unnecessary movement sent shockwaves of pain through your body and more than just once, you had to close your eyes to blink the tears away. You took a deep breath before reaching out for your cup of tea.

“Has something happened?”

“I didn’t sleep well. That’s all,” you forced a smile so to assure her and she then nodded after scrutinizing you thoroughly. Apparently, your dark eye bags and your paler skin were proof enough.

“_______!” Sirius yelled from afar, a wide smile on his face. Together with Remus, he joined your side while James and Peter sat down on Lily’s side.

“Did you sleep well, Evans?” James greeted her.

“Yep,” she answered nonchalantly.

“Thought so. Because the beauty sleep seems to have paid off. You look much more radiant today.” Peter laughed and Sirius slapped his face. Remus just quietly to himself and you gave a half-hearted smile in order not to arouse any suspicion.

“Aren’t you eating, ____?” Remus’ worried face came into your view. The others were already in midst of their breakfast, yet you had barely touched your sandwich, only nipping on your cup of tea.

“No, I am not hungry today,” you explained.

“Shall I accompany you to see Madame Pomfrey?”

“No, no. I am fine, Rem. I guess I just upset my stomach again,” you quickly tried to convince your best friend.

“You’re not eating your sandwich?” Sirius raised his eyebrow in surprise. Being an Animagus was making him much hungrier than normal, so the brown-haired always dug in the first few days after his transformation.

“Then, mind if I eat it?” he pointed on your plate and you softly shook your head.

“Go ahead,” you pushed the plate over to him and he gave you a bright smile.

“Thanks!” he started to eat immediately. Despite the fire in your waist, you couldn’t help but smile a little.

A girl walked past the long table, waving to Remus as she did so. She wore blue robes and as she steered towards the Ravenclaw table, it was clear that she belonged to that house. You watched her sit down next to her friends, happily chattering and laughing. She brushed her long hair from her face, slightly leaning back so she could have a better look at her friend.

“Who’s that?” you breathlessly asked, turning towards your best friend. His first reaction was to avert his eyes, blushing deeply.

“That’s Maya,” he answered sheepishly.

“Oh oh,” Sirius made and James leaned in.

“And what is your relationship to this mysterious Ravenclaw girl?”

“Are you going out?” Sirius wiggled his eyebrow and Remus reached out to slap his arm.

“No, we’re not. I just talked a few times to her.”

“But you’re hoping to BE!” James said out loud.

“Have you had your first date, yet?” Peter questioned.

“Where have you met her?”

“Did you kiss yet, Moons?”

“GUYS. Stop!” you interrupted quite annoyed, sharply inhaling. Your outburst had demanded its price, sending sharp pain through your body. You began sweating. Everyone was staring at you, sheer surprise on their faces.

“I mean. Look at the poor boy. He’s so embarrassed, he doesn’t know where to start,” you quickly recovered from your sudden yelling, quickly playing it off.

“That’s true,” Lily aided, “let Remus speak.”

She acknowledged your grateful look with a soft nod. Lily had figured out your feelings for Remus, long before you did. And when you did, there had been countless late night talks in the common room where she tried to persuade you to a confession. But you refused, convinced that you didn’t stand a chance.

Remus and you were best friends and there was no way that he could ever return your feelings.

 

_“He doesn’t see me as a potential love interest.”_

_“Not yet. But you can always make him. ______, you’re beautiful and smart and you are already so close to him. He likes you, too.”_

_“But I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I mean, there’s still the possibility of him not liking me back, Lily._

_“You worry too much. Life is about being reckless, isn’t it? How will you know if you don’t tell him?”_

“There’s nothing much to tell, really,” Remus spoke lowly. But he was smiling and you could see that dreamy look of his, the very same that he bore whenever he was talking about his passions, his favourite books. It seemed that he _really_ liked her.

“But she’s very witty and sarcastic. She’s…she’s also intelligent and beautiful too.”

“Oh, she most definitely _is._ I bet she won’t ask you about your whereabouts,” you mumbled but it was loud enough for Remus to hear.

“What do you mean with that?”

“Nothing,” you sighed and rubbed the sore muscles in your face, “I am just tired. I am sorry, Rem. I need to go now guys, see you late at class.”

And before anyone could say something, you swiftly got up and walked away, biting your lips to suppress the pain. You had gotten up too quickly for your own good and your body was punishing you for your carelessness. In addition to that, the jealousy was taking over your thoughts like an infection. It was like acid, etching and melting away every rational thought in your mind.

* * *

 

Somehow – and you honestly had no idea how – you had managed to keep your injury secret from all of your friends. Maybe it was luck, maybe it was a coincidence or maybe it was your splendid acting. Anyhow, the weeks had gone by without them having any suspicions.

Solely Sirius seemed to be deep in thought for occasions, yet whenever you caught him staring at you, he’d smirk like he usually did. However, it was really very odd to see him studying you with an unreadable expression.

He seemed so gloomy in contrast to Remus who seemed to be in a good mood, each day greeting you with the kindest smile. You knew that he was meeting up with Maya because sometimes when you’d ask him to hang out after lunch, he’d blush and tell you that he was about to meet the Ravenclaw girl.

“I am sorry, ______. I promised to help Maya with her homework.”

“You’re helping a Ravenclaw? Isn’t she supposed to be smart?” you sounded more vicious that you had actually intended. Remus raised his eyebrow.

“That sounded mean but I was just wondering…because…” you tried to save the situation but Remus just laughed it off.

“Don’t sweat it. I am just teasing you.”

“Rem! I was seriously worried for a moment.”

“I just thought that someone is jealous.”

“I am not.”

“You are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Okay, okay. I have to go now, to see Maya… but do know that you’ll always be my best friend.” He softly touched your hand before making his way to wherever he would meet her.

“Always your best friend huh,” you repeated quietly, not feeling assured by that sentence at all. No, instead it was as devastating as any rejection would be 

So you thought.

* * *

 

How could be someone so close yet so beyond reach?

_Love is a beautiful thing, they always said._

_It was._

But not for you.

Or maybe, maybe it was, up until the moment you got your heart broken. Broken into two pieces like the chopsticks that they gave for free whenever you ordered something at the Chinese restaurants.

Love didn’t always end well, you painfully realized.

You saw him entering the Great Hall with her, noticed their intertwined hands and his big smile, so full of happiness, it stung your heart.

“Guys,” Remus stopped at the Gryffindor table where James, Peter, and Sirius sat along with Lily and you.

“Let me introduce Maya to you.”

_Your heart sunk._

“Maya, these are my friends. You already know James from the Quidditch matches.”

“Yes,” she agreed, nodding gracefully.

“That’s Peter. And this is Sirius.”

“Pleased to meet you.”

“Thank God Moony. Finally, you’re introducing your girlfriend to us. And I actually thought that I’d have to meet her for the first time when it’s your wedding.”

_And it squeezed painfully, draining all the air from your lungs._

“And that would still be too soon,” Maya remarked and Sirius expression blanked. He seemed speechless for a moment.

“I like you. You got guts.”

James laughed and Peter mumbled something similar “Papa Pads approves.”

“Hi, I am Lily Evans,” Lily just continued where Remus left off, offering the blonde girl a hand.

“It’s nice to meet you in person. Remus has already told me so much about you,” Maya smiled gently and your stomach coiled.

“And this, is my best friend, _______.”

“Hey, I thought we were your best friends!” James interrupted and Sirius clutched his heart in a dramatic manner.

“Don’t mind them,” you replied instead after staring at her hand for a split of a second before finally taking it.

“You’re the one he talks about the most.”

“He’s a git,” you laughed, “he probably complains about how stubborn I am.”

“No not at all,” she assured you before James earned her attention with something. Thus, Maya left Remus and you alone for a moment.

“Rem, you shouldn’t be talking about other girls when you’re with your girlfriend,” you scolded, slightly shaking our head, “Really Remus. Do you know how to treat girls at all?”

“Sorry,” his green eyes were twinkling at you and you gulped back some tears.

Why on earth did his happiness make you sad? It shouldn’t be like this. You should’ve been happy for him. You should’ve been overjoyed. Because if there was a person who deserved happiness and love, then it was definitely Remus Lupin. The humblest and kindest person ever.

“Are you happy, Rem? Does she understand you? Does she treat you well?”

“She does. Don’t worry, mother.” He winked slightly, “But I am happy. I really am.”

You forced a smile.

“Then I am happy for you. She seems like a very nice girl.”

“Thank you. Your opinion matters the most to me,” Remus replied, taking both of your hands into his larger ones. They were so warm. You bit your lips.

_And it shattered._

“________, I am sorry to interrupt. But I forgot to tell you that McGonagall wanted to see you earlier,” Lily chimed in. You could see the sorrow in her eyes. Of course, she was worried about you.

“Then I better go and search for her. See you later guys!”

“Will you join us later?” Remus held you back and the kindness in his voice was hurting you more than it could soothe you.

“If McGonagall doesn’t take too long.”

“Alright.”

 

Lily had joined you five minutes later, earlier that day, putting her arm around your shoulder.

“I am sorry, ______” the empathy and understanding in her face was almost making you cry. There was something about his expression, about the way she furrowed her brows and slightly pursed her lips that caused you to feel so sentimental.

“It’s okay. I am fine,” you paused. ”No, actually, it hurts. A lot. But I am fine, don’t worry.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“I knew it was coming, so I kinda prepared myself for this already. If you get what I mean?”

“Yeah, but still. Do you want to talk?”

“No, actually not. Lily, thank you so so much for your concern,” you gave her a long hug, “but please leave me alone for now.”

“Okay,” she whispered and then she left you alone with your broken heart and your solitude.

It was alright.

* * *

 

Love wasn’t something that died the second you found out about the girlfriend of the person you loved.

No, love probably withered away, disappeared slowly while leaving deep invisible scars on your heart. And it was especially imprinting when it was your first.

That night you still snuck out of the dormitory to guard Remus and you returned long after midnight when it was only just a bit until the sun would come up again.

To say that you were tired was an understatement. You were beyond tiredness. You were exhausted and devastated and heartbroken.

“Shit,” you cursed when unwrapping the bandage that was still around your waist. The wound had been healing very slowly because you haven’t gone to see Madame Pomfrey. It was stupid, really stupid. But you usually stuck to your decisions as soon as they were made.

Despite the injury not healing properly, you still went out to transform today. The stretching and changing had affected it, ripping the flesh open again. It was bleeding and burning but the pain wasn’t even comparable to what you were feeling inside.

It was sadness and regret, everything and nothing. Chaos and love all at the same time, on the same spot, spilling over like a broken dam. The emotions were simply overwhelming and together with your exhaustion and the time of the day, it finally led to what you should have done much earlier.

You cried.

Tears were dripping over the rim of your eyes, sliding down your cheeks while you were disinfecting the wound. You bit your lips together when the alcohol met the open flesh and it burned so much. Bit your lips together when a loud sob threatened to come out. Nobody should know, nobody should hear. It was your own problem, your own burden to carry.

People were getting their hearts broken every day and you were no exception.

Occasionally you’d sniffle a bit, wiping your tears away, forcing yourself to stop. Crying wouldn’t change a thing now. But you couldn’t stop, just couldn’t.

They fell and fell; unstoppable and endlessly, blurring your view. Gasps escaped your lips until it became a sob. God, how lonely you felt in this very moment.

“_______?” a voice sounded and you froze, your eyes widened and automatically you held your breath, biting your lips together.

The sound of footsteps came closer before they haltered directly in front of your cabin. You could see the shoes through the little gap just above the ground.

“_________, I know you’re in there,” you didn’t react, too paralyzed, too shocked you were. It wasn’t Lily as you would’ve expected it. No, judging by the deepness, it was most likely a guy.

You hoped that it wasn’t Remus.

“_______, it’s me, Sirius.” You didn’t answer.

He knocked at the door before pressing down the door handle.

“Please open the door.”

“No,” you finally opened your mouth to speak. Your voice was hoarse and quiet. You didn’t have the strength to speak up.

“______, open the door or I will call the teacher. Or I’ll smash it. Either way is fine,” he sounded impatient, yet understanding and you sniffled, wiping away the tears.

“Wait,” you started to wrap the bandages tighter around your waist.

“No,” the door rattled as he pulled again, “Open it now.”

You reached for the lock, unlocking it with a soft click.

Sirius pushed the door open, revealing you. You had hastily pulled your pullover downwards but he still could catch a glimpse of the compress. Besides, the bloody casts on the toilet lid were confirming all of his suspicions. You were injured.

He had known it all along.

For one moment the two of you just kept staring at each other. Your eyes were red. You had been crying, still were, Sirius registered.

“You’re the animal that hit Remus a month ago.”

He saw it all in your eyes even though you didn’t answer.

“You’ve saved him and got hurt in doing so.

Still no answer, you just stared at him while tears filled your eyes, silently, until it once again became too much. A loud, broken sob escaped your lips and they came again. And Sirius realized, just how big your sacrifice was.

While he had James and Peter and Remus to become an Animagus, you were all on your own, practicing and training alone. You had taken the burden upon you to protect Remus with all your might, even if it meant that the consequences of a failed transformation could rip you apart. You were a girl; you had a more fragile body, yet you still did it. And you even got hurt and if that wasn’t enough, he had seen you today too. Had seen the small fox that would occasionally appear in the shadows.

Your love for Remus was so unconditional and big and here they had all rubbed Moony’s relationship into your face.

“Shit, ________,” Sirius whispered, softly pulling you into his arms as you started to cry harder, apparently utterly exhausted from everything. You pressed your face against his chest, muffling the loud cries. The brown haired pushed the door closed, helplessly but softly stroking your back. You seemed so fragile and small in his arms so unlike your usual strong self.

It hurt him more than anything.

* * *

 

Because he loved you.

 


	2. Part. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written in 2017

You shrank away, like a scared little child. Burned. Scarred. Who had told you to play with matches?

“Thank you Sirius, but…please leave me alone.

“There’s no way I will leave you alone like this,” Sirius insisted. He took one step towards you and you held up your hands in defense.

“I am alright,” you sniffled and wiped your tears, doing your best to calm the inner chaos. You had let the mask slip in the heat of the moment. He wasn’t supposed to witness this. It always started with one person and then, in the end, your secret was nothing and Remus would know. Was there a bigger humiliation than this?

“_________,” Sirius called your name with much more force, grabbing both of your hands in midair.

“There’s no way I will leave you alone like this,” he repeated slowly, making sure to look straight into your eyes. Your shoulders were still shaking and your hands were trembling. You bit your lips and took a deep, ragged breath. The tears were still falling relentlessly. You wiped them away again.

Sirius’ warm hands released yours and they just fell; were too weak.

There was a lot of silence wherein you stared at the ground, feeling his scrutinizing gaze on you before he once again put his arms around you.

“It’s okay,” he soothed you, softly stroking your hair. You closed your eyes, once again letting yourself be comforted by his warm body.

“Don’t tell him,” your voice sounded muffled against his damp shirt but he heard it anyway.

“I won’t,” he confirmed.

“Don’t tell him. Promise me,” you repeated.

“I won’t. I promise.”

Outside the sun was already rising.

 

“Blimey, you look awful,” Lily commented just a few hours later at the breakfast time. She inched closer, letting her shoulder touch yours in a kind of comforting way. You leaned to the touch, allowed yourself to relax a little before the guys would come.

“It’s been a long day.”

“You returned late,” the way she said it, made it sound more like a reproach than just a remark.

“It took me a long time to finish the assignment.”

“Of course,” she nodded but didn’t seem to believe you at all.

“How come I went to the library but didn’t see you?”

“Well…” you began, searching for a good excuse.

“That’s because you were with me, weren’t you?” Sirius slung his arm around you and you flinched in pain. Biting your lips together, you held back a yelp. His hand caressed your shoulder in apology as he rambled on.

“We snuck into the kitchen to get some pastries.”

“I should’ve guessed that,” Lily softly laughed, shaking her head, “Didn’t know you guys were so close.”

“I didn’t know that either,” you added and laughed slightly, but made sure that you could give Sirius a warning glare. The brown haired ignored it.

“Anyway, let’s have breakfast. I am starving!” Sirius changed the topic, taking his arm away. He walked towards the Gryffindor table and sat down, eager to have something to fill his naggy stomach.

“Mornin’” James joined you a bit later, his hair messy as ever. Sometimes you wondered whether he would style it like that on purpose. He sat close to Lily who instantly inched away. But even though the redhead always acted like that, you knew that she secretly adored him.

“Morning,” you replied after taking a sip of your tea.

“Lily, did you do the Potion’s homework already?”

“Not yet.”

“Should I help you?”

“No thanks, James. I am better than you anyways.”

James pouted. Sirius snorted.

“In your face, Prongs.”

“Shut up.”

* * *

 

“Come to the library with me for a sec.” Sirius gripped your arm to hold you back after lunch. You’ve just had double Potions and Transfiguration. Remus was sitting at the Ravenclaw table, heads together with Maya while they were laughing about something that they read in the book. You had been trying your hardest not to look at them.

Yet somehow, your gaze would automatically wander over to them, would glide over her back and settle down on Remus’ back. Lovingly, yearning. You wondered whether you were a masochist 

“Why do I have to go with you?”

“Aren’t you fine with me, Pads?” Peter joked.

“Or me?” Lily chimed, a hint of a smile on her face.

“Or Remus?”

“What about me?” Remus joined you, pulling Maya behind him. She waved her hand to greet everyone.

“Oh, we were just talking about why Sirius would want to take ______ to the library instead of one of us.”

“Should we accompany you, Sirius? Maya wanted to go there anyway,” Remus smiled and your heart leaped.

“Oh, what a rare sight. Mr. Lupin cares to join our squad once in a while. Seems like we’re good enough for him again,” Sirius ignored his friend’s offer and Remus raised his eyebrow, visibly confused by the passive-aggressive undertone.

Everyone held their breath to follow the next movement. The sudden tension was sparking between the two boys.

“Guys,” Maya began as she repositioned herself between Remus and Sirius, as if she was about to protect your best friend.

Then, Sirius grinned, detonating the situation and the creases on Remus’ forehead softened, taking his friend’s statement as a joke.

“I just missed your ugly face, Rem.”

“Okay alright.”

Remus’ gaze wandered over to Maya, a loving look on his face. As if she was the reason why the Trojan War ended. Suddenly you felt like puking.

He bent over to place a kiss on her lips and she giggled. Your vision was blurry and you blinked. It was too soon.

“Why the sudden interest in ________ though, Pads?” James chimed in, switching the topic, “Is someone falling in love with this beauty?”

“James, you’re just made of empty words.”

“Not at all, Lils. I can find other girls beautiful as long as you are my number one.”

“’Course.”

“Actually, I am.” Sirius made sure to give you a meaningful look, skipping the last bits of Lily’s and James’ conversation. You rolled your eyes, not wasting a moment to believe him. You’ve known that guy for years already. He was playful and charming, well aware of his looks and the attraction that he drew to himself among the girls.

“Like…really?” Remus asked, furrowing his brows in both confusion and concern.

“Yeah well, why should I deny it when it’s true?” Sirius shrugged, putting his warm hand on your shoulder. You just stared at him.

“Aren’t you lucky to have a nice guy like Sirius, head over heels for you?” Maya commented with a kind smile. You hated it.

“Well I guess?” the question in your voice was clearly audible.

“So cold,” Sirius dramatically sighed and the warmth of his hand disappeared as he withdrew it.

“He’s gone insane,” Lily shook her head but like you, she too had no idea what was happening.

“Sirius, that was like the lamest love confession ever.”

“He’s just messin’ around like always, I guess.”

“Least I did it, unlike you Prongs, still chasing after Evans?”

Bull’s-eye. James blushed, scratching the back of his neck as he tried to hide his embarrassment. Lily averted her gaze, just as shy as he was.

“Where he’s right, he’s right,” Remus chuckled.

“Now, princess, will you grant me the honor of accompanying me to the library?” Sirius’ attention was back on you, his grey eyes twinkling with innocent anticipation.

“Yeah,” you gave a sigh.

“Perfect,” he flashed you a grin before quickly getting up. You followed suit, leaving your friends with a wave and a shrug regarding their questioning looks. Remus looked as if he was about to say something. But he didn’t call you back and so you left the Great Hall, stalking after Sirius.

There were other students in the hallway, chattering and moaning about homework as they walked towards the classrooms, clutching books to their chests and sticking quills under their arms.

A quick glance at the clock on the wall told you that lunch break would be over in twenty-five minutes.

Sirius turned to grab your hand, pulling you with him as he skillfully navigated through the crowds without using much strength on you. Some of the girls craned their neck to see where you were heading to.

“Where are we going? That’s not the way to the library,” you asked, slowly starting to get out of breath.

“I know,” he craned his neck to look for something before he opened the door and pulled you into the room.

“A broom cupboard. Really, Sirius?”

“Show me your wound,” Sirius crossed his arms and positioned himself in front of the door to block your only way to freedom. It’s been two weeks since he had found you in the bathroom; two weeks since you had gotten your heart broken into a million pieces.

“No,” you took a step backward, went straight into defense mode.

“Don’t be so stubborn, _______. Show me your wound.”

“Not if you command me like that,” you pursed your lips and put your chin up.

“Will you please show me your injury?” He sighed.

“No,” you crossed your arms as well and Sirius showed some a glimpse of annoyance before his expression went blank again; returned to his usual playful self. “It’s already healing.”

But even that didn’t convince him.

“Show me and I will believe you.”

“No, Sirius, really. I am alright,” you assured. Even though you weren’t lying about the wound actually healing, it was only half of the truth as the injury was closing up even slower than before. Maybe it was because it had been ripped open once more.

“Lunch break is almost over. Not that I am fond of going to classes but-“ Sirius paused, scrutinizing you from head to toe, “I can continue keeping you until the afternoon classes are over.”

Sirius actually didn’t intend to force you, yet he was ready to pull any dirty tricks to convince you in doing what he wanted. He had gotten the impression that your wound wasn’t healing well. Judging by the way you’d sometimes pull a face when Remus carelessly hugged you a bit too tight. Even though it had been quite a time ever since he caught you in the bathroom, broken to the core like the fragile flowers that he had accidentally stepped on when he was out with the rest of the guys.

You moved to the side, trying to find out whether you could squeeze yourself through the gap that he left between himself and the door. Sirius raised his eyebrow, not even noticing your ridiculous attempt.

“Should I ask Remus to take a look then?”

That got your attention.

“You can’t. Wouldn’t dare to.”

“Hell yeah, I do.”

You knew that he was bluffing, could see the dishonesty in his face but at the same time, you couldn’t risk it. Remus should never learn about the truth. He had already suffered so much and if it was possible to keep the sorrows off his chest, you’d do anything to shield him from the pain. Even if it meant that you had to lie and pretend in order to prevent him from feeling guilty because of your – or even his – decisions.

Sirius couldn’t suppress a satisfied smirk upon seeing your defeated expression.

“Can you do it yourself? Or should I lend you a hand? Cause I’ll gladly help.” He couldn’t help but wiggle his eyebrows seductively.

“I can do it on my own,” you gritted your teeth, shooting him a glare that he wiped away like some bothersome fly.

Your fingers closed around the hem of your pullover. Hesitant because you felt bare even though you were fully dressed. It was the way his eyes were staring at you; with so much intensity.

“Moony?” he muttered, turning towards the door.

“Wait,” you stopped him before pulling the thick knitted fabric over your head, exposing the white shirt beneath it, “I won’t take that off though.”

“Okay,” he watched you unbutton the last few buttons and saw how you pulled the shirt up to reveal the bandages. This time they weren’t dipped in red, Sirius noticed, much to his own relief.

“Unwrap it,” he demanded and for once, you obeyed without too much complaining.

There was no emotion visible on his face. In fact, he seemed more like a doctor that was examining a patient. Well, that was until you revealed the torn flesh.

Sirius couldn’t oppress inhaling sharply as soon as he was able to take a proper look at your cuts. His fingers were twitching but he refrained from touching your skin.

“Damn,” he cursed, “You need to get this treated.”

“No way in hell.”

“Yes, you will. No discussion ______,” he insisted stubbornly.

“That will get Remus expelled.”

“That has nothing to do with him.”

“Sirius, you’re not stupid. Nobody is going to believe any explanation other than the truth. And as soon as the truth comes out, that will get Rem expelled. You don’t want that, do you?”

He stayed silent then, just looked at you through cinereal eyes. Skeptically, critically, however, you honestly didn’t care. Because you were right and he knew it as well.

* * *

 

“Why are we getting this again?” Remus whispered to his side as they sneaked into the infirmary, well hidden under James’ Invisibility Cloak. They had borrowed it after Sirius had done some good persuading work on Remus as James was meeting up with Lily. Peter was outside, being on guard.

“We looked up the effects of Dittany in the library. It should be good to heal wounds in case your furry little problem breaks loose and indeed hurts someone,” Sirius whispered.

“I see. You sure that we have some in the Infirmary?”

“Yep.”

“Let’s get it then.”

“That’s why we’re here Moons.”

“Thank you.”

“Just add it to the long list of things that you already owe me, Rem.”

“Haha. I’ll keep that in mind.”

* * *

 

“Ahh, this is so nice,” Remus sighed in bliss as he lied back, quite close next to you. Spring was there and the two of you had decided to walk down to the Black Sea for a nice study session in nature, all while trying not to recall that your finals were approaching with every passing day.

“Yeah, we haven’t done that in a while,” you inched a bit closer, allowing your shoulders to touch. Just this once, just for a bit. It didn’t mean anything and you were best friends after all.

“I realize how much time I spent with Maya lately,” Remus spoke towards the sky before rolling on his side so he could take a full look at you.

“I am sorry, I neglected you.”

“Rem, don’t worry about it. You freshly got together, you’re disgustingly in love,” you replied, facing him while trying your best to act normal. Why did everything have to change as soon as you had realized your feelings? Emotions always complicated everything.

“I wonder if you don’t get a headache from the rose coloured glasses though? Must be really tiring just to see that one colour. And one hell of an annoying colour, too,” you joked.

“Haha,” Remus snorted dryly.

“No, but seriously. Do you not feel tired from acting all lovey-dovey all the time?”

“It makes me happy. So I guess not.”

“I see. Well, I don’t know. Never felt that way.”

“You must have been in love before. Or at least a crush,” Remus reached for the chocolate bar that you initially brought as the “study reward”. He broke a piece and popped it into his mouth before feeding you one as well. His fingertip brushed your lips.

“Not really,” you said after chewing for a while, letting the rest of the chocolate melt on your tongue. There were thousand unshed tears in your eyes and Remus blinked in order to reconfirm what he just saw. But that hurt expression disappeared the second he opened his eyes again and the young man wondered whether there were things that you weren’t telling him.

You smiled but he didn’t like it. You turned to look at the sky again.

“I don’t need any boys to protect me.”

“What about Sirius then?”

“Look at the clouds.”

“There are no clouds.”

“Yup. I know. But the sky is so blue!” a gentle breeze cooled your heated skin and you deeply enjoyed how it seemed to brush over your body.

“It is,” you could hear the smile on his face, prudent and gentle as always.

“You trailed off though. Care to answer my question?”

“Okay. But which one?”

“The one about Sirius and you.”

“Sirius and me?”

Remus’ eyes slid over to your face to see you looking at him, wide-eyed and all with raised eyebrows.

“There’s nothing between Sirius and me;” you snorted, shaking your head as if not believing what you had just heard. As if it was the most ridiculous thing.

“That’s what they all say and suddenly they’re pregnant.”

“Remus John Lupin, are you saying Sirius has an illegitimate child?”

“What?” Remus’ eyes widened before he made a face, “No!”

“Blimey, just the imagination makes me shiver.”

You laughed and immediately his expression softened.

“But seriously, Rem. There’s nothing between him and me. We’re just messing.”

Except that it wasn’t nothing– at least to Remus it didn’t seem that way. He gulped down a big lump in his throat.

“How are things with Maya though?” you changed the topic.

Even though they’ve been going out for weeks already, you still couldn’t get used to saying her name without feeling a stab in your chest. It was still so difficult, yet it was so unfair and selfish towards your best friend. And so you tried to overcome that handicap. Somehow.

“Great!”

There was the twinkle in his eyes as he proceeded to talk about how gorgeous his girlfriend was. How she actually was involved in charity programs and volunteer work for her summer holiday. You hated yourself for asking, for caring what he was actually doing with her in his free time – the time that initially belonged to _you_. Yet at the same time, you envied her so much, wishing that Remus would speak that fondly about you as well.

But mending a broken heart didn’t work by trying to avoid it. It was about embracing the pain and hoping, that maybe _one_ day, your heart might not ache anymore.

* * *

 

It was one of many. One of these nights were sleep wouldn’t come, where the salvation suspended and you would lie wide awake. With tears blurring your view - for no particular reason.

You should be okay by now.

Before they would slide down to the corner of your eyes and to your sides as you stared at the ceiling; stared into the darkness and hoped that keeping your eyes wide open would actually prevent them from falling. All while listening to your friends’ regular breaths.

They were sleeping and there was a weight on your chest, keeping you from breathing like them. Regular and quiet.

And it was so cold and so lonely. You would wrap your arms around yourself; would snuggle more into your blankets in hope that it could somehow fill the hole in your chest. Hoped for the warmth to substitute for these feelings, so hollow and void. You hoped that they could just go away. Just like the pain would go away after your mom kissed your injuries. Pain, pain, fly away.

But you weren’t five anymore. You were almost seventeen. Almost an adult. How you missed your carefree childhood.

You read bound tragedies to conceal the reason for your tears. Did you even know the real reason? You asked your heart, yet it would just squeeze, squeeze, and squeeze in a melancholic way. Deep down you probably knew the reason. But every fibre in your body was screaming; screaming to drown the heartbreak.

Sometimes, you read books with happy endings.

For some reasons, they made your sadder, made you cry even though everything was alright. It was because, in all these fleeting dreams, the heroine was able to be with him in the end.

No matter what happened. No matter how hopeless their relationship seemed to be in the beginning. Because in fairytales, love rose from doom, rose from the ashes like a phoenix. But not for you, no. You weren’t cut for love or happy endings or whatsoever. And that was okay, you guessed. You didn’t need it.

That was what you kept telling yourself. Like a broken record.

At some nights, when the weight got too heavy, you would press your face against the pillow. Nonetheless, the tears would stain the soft fabric, wouldn’t muffle your sniffles enough for your taste. Why were you crying that much?

You should be okay by now.

_“Crying for no apparent reason is the body’s way of mourning for something your mind has decided to forget yet your heart has imprinted forever.”_

The room was stuffy and the walls were becoming, smaller, and smaller until it was as suffocating as if being in a vacuum. You tossed the blanket back and slipped down the mattress until your feet touched the ground; toes searching for your slippers. It was stumbles down the Gryffindor Tower, down the stairs and into the common room, which was wiped empty at that time.

Of course, it was, after all, past midnight wouldn’t exactly be the time where most of the students would still be awake. Even though there was nobody in there, the room still seemed so warm and inviting, comfy to the core – something that you appreciated really much at this very moment.

With solitude as your close friend and the demons on your fingertips, you would spend hours there. However this time, you would share your thoughts. Without even having to open your mouth to speak about it.

“Shouldn’t you sleep, Sirius?” The brown haired Gryffindor sat down next to you on the sofa.

“I could tell you the same thing, _______,” he dryly replied. There was still humor in his voice and you asked yourself why out of all the people, he was always the one who showed up in your weak moments. Would you prefer it to be Remus?

You didn’t know.

“But because I am nice, I will tell you the reason I am up. I was hungry, so I snuck into the kitchen.”

“I see.”

“As for you, I can’t really tell whether you’re hungry or sad. It looks about the same with you girls. Do you want an éclair? No?” Upon seeing you shake your head, Sirius just shrugged and began to eat the pastry that he had just showed to you, the cream sticking to his upper lip as he ate.

You watched him devouring his food in a way that girls would have found irresistible. The way he would lick his lips afterward; the way he would lick off some of the excess cream that stuck to his fingertips. Sirius Black was handsome, indeed. But unlike Remus, he was well aware of his charms.

“Enough small talk. How is your wound?” Sirius looked you straight in the eye, again searching for any sign that would give off that you were lying. But you didn’t scratch your skin, didn’t avoid his eyes nor did you stutter.

“It’s healing,” you replied, looking back at him, “But it’s healing slowly.”

“Thought so,” Sirius commented and proceeded to get up so he could kneel down in front of you.

“What are you doing?”

“I am proposing to you,” Sirius quietly replied, a sly grin on his face.

“C’mon _______, I am not that bad. You don’t need to look that horrified,” he pretended to be hurt by your grossed out reaction.

“No offense but that’s actually horrifying.”

“I’ll try to get over it. I’ll try my best to heal my broken heart,” he clutched his chest before leaning his arms on your lap so he could support himself to look at your face. You leaned backward so to get your face away from his.

“So do you want to undress or shall I help you?”

“Sirius, I know you don’t mind to have sex before marriage but I’ve got to admit that I am a little bit more old-fashioned in that matter. You see, I don’t undress in front of strange guys,” you explained, using a voice that you would usually use to talk to little children.

“That means that you can undress in my presence without any worries. After all, we’re no strangers.”

“Sirius.” It was a warning. You weren’t exactly in the mood for games like that. He chuckled, then sighed, slightly backing away so he could take something out of his pocket.

“I got Dittany’s essence to help your wound.”

Your grumpy expression subsided to make place for genuine surprise.

“Dittany? How on earth did you manage to get _that_?”

“Magic?”

“Haha. Ha. You broke into the hospital wing, didn’t you?”

“Technically we didn’t break in. We _snuck_ in,” Sirius corrected you as if you were dim-witted.

“Can you not talk back for once?”

“If it were for me, I’d have already dripped some of this healing stuff on you, five minutes ago.”

You sighed and obeyed, pulling your sleeping t-shirt upwards to reveal the white bandages. It was still a little uncomfortable to let Sirius see everything.

“Turn around, will you?”

“Nothing I haven’t seen yet, _______.”

“Turn around Sirius,” you hissed and he budged, turning to the side as he closed his eyes.

“Give me the Dittany essence,” you quietly asked, and he opened his eyes a little to give it to you.

“Close your eyes, Sirius,” you repeated and took the small bottle before watching the liquid wholly heal the gash, which would have taken weeks to heal, in just a few seconds. You bit your lips because it burned deeply before the wound closed up, only to leave three fine but visible lines on your waist.

Slightly bending forward, you reached out to throw the used bandages into the fireplace before spelling some fire in.

“It left scars,” Sirius low voice earned your attention and directed your gaze back to the boy in front of you. For a moment, you felt like crying.

Then, things happened a little too fast for you to comprehend. You heard Remus calling out to Sirius and Sirius, Sirius buried you beneath him, his lips firmly pressed against yours.

“Sirius?” Remus’ voice sounded from the door that led to the boy dormitories. He could have sworn to have heard his best friend talking in the common room. He had woken up to find Sirius’ bed empty and because his stomach was demanding food, he thought that he could join Sirius in the kitchen as well. Just like he usually did.

The brown haired made his way downstairs to the common room, just in time to see a glimpse of brown hair before his friend literally jumped forward to kiss the other person upon hearing him call out to Sirius. There was another person present, Remus then noticed, wondering who the newest conquest was. He stepped closer, approaching Sirius, a fun remark ready on his lips as his heart filled with anticipation. As his friend always loved to embarrass others, Remus was actually curious how it would feel to have Sirius in that position.

But when he recognized you underneath Sirius, his heart leapt.

\--

Sirius Black was kissing you.

And you were frozen to the core, to the spot – and, it didn’t matter, because you were stiff as wood. At least before you began resisting, yet he didn’t release you. Just kissed you a little firmer than in the beginning. You bit his lips, shocked and angry about his audacity.

“Remus,” was the only word he once whispered against your mouth, before his warm hand reached for your waist to pull down your sleeping shirt. Sirius turned around to face his best friend, his chest heaving up and down. Your hair was disheveled and your cheeks were flushed.

“Am I interrupting something?” Remus managed to say, his witty comment long forgotten. Too great was the shock upon discovering that his best guy friend was making out with _his_ best girlfriend.

“Good heavens. I _am_ interrupting something,” he then continued, just as breathlessly as you were.

“Sirius and ______. I think I’ve gone blind,” he rambled on before his knees gave away, sinking down to the ground to where Sirius and you were already sitting.

“Don’t be such a drama queen, Moony. We’re cuter than Maya and you,” Sirius just answered, wrapping his arms around you from behind. You shivered.

“You didn’t tell me that things were serious,” Remus then looked at you and somehow, it felt as if you had been caught cheating on him. There was so much hidden betrayal in his big warm green eyes.

“Because it isn’t,” you whispered with shame and guilt. Sirius’ arm tightened around you; as if to show his protectiveness. But it wasn’t true. There was nothing between Sirius and you.

There was a short moment of oppressive, awkward silence before Remus slowly got up.

“I’ll leave you guys alone now. I am starving and there’s no more chocolate in the room.” It sounded nonchalantly yet flat and somehow, this whole thing had such a bitter taste. Even though you were innocent.

As soon as he left the common room, you freed yourself from Sirius’ grip.

“What were you thinking?”

But there was no regret in his eyes when he answered: “I did it to protect your secret.”

“You could’ve handed me a pillow, you fucking idiot! I need to follow him and explain.”

Sirius held you back.

“To explain what? You’re not his girlfriend. You don’t owe him an explanation.”

He was right.

But guilt, was one of the strongest emotions, you realized.

* * *

 

“Ah, the lovebirds,” Remus commented without even looking up.

Sirius interjected before you could protest.

“And where’s your second half, your soul mate? Lost her on the way?” Even though he tried to make it sound light, it sounded sharp.

“She has lessons.”

“So no chance of snogging in the corner?”

“No, but as far as I have witnessed, the two of you had plenty.”

“Oh yeah, we sure did,” Sirius didn’t even deny Remus’ assuming even though it didn’t even come close to the truth. Ever since that night, Sirius had never even gotten close to your face. You had forbidden him to come close, feeling extremely bothered by the fact that the love of your life had just witnessed you kissing his best friend. Or more like, his best friend kissing you.

“Sirius, how many times do I have to tell you not to say these things?”

“We might as well find another corner, shall we?” Sirius ignored your protest.

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Go ahead,_______. Feel free to go with Sirius,” Remus sourly urged you on.

“But I actually wanted to talk to you about something. About this. I think I owe you an explanation,” you said instead and ignored the fact that Sirius was standing a bit too close to you.

“________,” Remus sighed and buried his face in his hands for a short moment, tiredly rubbing his eyes, “Mind if you leave me alone for a bit? I am trying to memorize the formula of this potion and you know, if you’re around we usually fool around.”

“But I can help you. I can ask you the ingredients.”

“No, I rather ask Maya for that. When she studies with me, I actually get to study.”

Cold, tired green eyes were looking at you and you suppressed a wince. Why was he treating you like this 

“Okay,” it was more of a choke rather than an answer. But Remus was too worked up to feel sorry. Why were you with Sirius, out of all people?

“I am sorry,” you turned on your heel and walked away, to sit with a Hufflepuff girl that you were close to.

“You didn’t have to be so harsh, Remus,” Sirius just commented.

“I wasn’t harsh.”

“You can fool everyone else but you can’t fool yourself.”

“And does that give you the permission to fool around, too?”

Remus clenched his jaw and there was nothing but tension, but thorns and hidden challenges in his look. Sirius fine features hardened.

Last night’s best friends are the morning’s enemies, they say.

And to every saying, there was a grain of truth to it.

* * *

 

Everything was back to normal the next time you had Transfiguration. Remus sat next to you like he always did. And as you listened to McGonagall’s strict voice, noting down the most important things, he would sometimes doodle on the rim of your parchment just to annoy you.

Her classes usually were pretty quiet as your teacher was very strict. Even if the end of the year was right in front of the door and that was exactly the time where all the students usually slacked off, their attention lessening with every lesson. But this year, the very last year, everything was different anyway. Everyone was preparing for the upcoming exams that were due in a few months.

But despite the school stress, McGonagall was still as strict as ever, with her iron grip and her icy glare. And the additional homework, holy, her additional homework was something every student was dreading.

You wouldn’t say that you were bad in Transfiguration, but then again, you weren’t good either. But with some real effort and a little help of Remus, who was surprisingly really good at it, you managed to get a fairly satisfying grade. And you hoped to achieve the same result for the N.E.W.T.s.

The lessons ended like always with McGonagall dumping some more homework on you before most of you packed your school stuff together. The first girls and boys were already spilling out of the classroom, chattering or complaining about the daily school problems.

“Are you going to spend some time with Maya later?”

“Yep, do you want to join us?” Remus screwed the lid of the ink bottle back on before using some magic to let the utensils disappear in his bag.

“No, I am going to hang out with Lily. I was just going to ask you in case you hadn’t planned anything for the rest of the day. You can join us though if you want to.” You gave your most earnest smile and Remus returned it.

James slung his arm around you from behind.

“Peter and I are going to be there too!”

“Hey, don’t forget me as well, love,” Sirius’ arm wrapped around your neck from the other side.

“I would never,” you sarcastically replied, skillfully slipping out of your friends’ embrace.

“So, Rem, are you still going to join us despite having these stinky socks around?”

“On second thought, I might prefer my alone time with Maya.”

“You mean snogging time.”

“I do not.” Remus gave Sirius a hostile glare.

* * *

 

He was lying on her bed, facing the ceiling and fingers intertwined with hers. It felt amazing to be with her, to have her support and to be able to listen to her opinions that were so similar, yet different, to his. Remus hadn’t told her about his “furry little problem” yet; hadn’t mustered up enough courage to tell Maya. Maybe it was because he was afraid to lose what they were having. Maybe it was because he was afraid of her hating him. It was all the same, yet it wasn’t.

But somewhere deep down, he knew that that wasn’t like her and that his Maya wouldn’t react that way. Because she was different from any girl that he had ever met.

He wasn’t ready yet. He would be, though. And he hoped that when the time came, that it wouldn’t be too late.

Maya shifted slightly, moving closer towards him so she could rest her head on his chest. She studied her boyfriend’s fair features, traced the fine lines with her eyes before slowly opening her mouth to speak.

“Something’s on your mind, Remus.”

Remus took his eyes from the stone wooden ceiling. His girlfriend was a very sharp observer and ever since he started to go out with her, never once had she failed to guess correctly what was bothering him.

“Care to share it, love?” She pressed her lips on their hands before she propped herself up to look him straight in the eye; her brown eyes scrutinizing him thoroughly. Remus absentmindedly threaded his hands with her silk-like, golden hair.

“Do you think there’s something going on between _______ and Sirius?”

“Between _______ and Sirius?” Maya repeated, blinking a bit confusedly.

“What gives you the hunch that there might be something going on? Aren’t they just friends?”

“Well, yes. But I caught them kissing in the common room a few days ago.”

“Oh,” she made before pursing her lips deep in thought, her focus becoming hazy for a moment. Remus loved her absentminded look, found it extremely adorable to see her pretty eyes trail off to somewhere very far away whenever she was thinking hard.

“Well, I suppose there could be something going on. Did they confirm it?”

“They did,” Remus sighed and brushed his bangs back, messing up his hairstyle,

“They didn’t.”

“I asked ______and she said there wasn’t anything going on. But to me, it didn’t look like nothing.”

Maya tilted her head, listening closely.

“And Sirius, you know. He’s flashy as always. He’s not confirming nor is he denying it. But I did catch them kissing.”

“Remus.”

“Mhm?”

She reached out to stroke his cheek and he closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her warm hand on his skin.

“Why are you so worried? It’s not uncommon to have unserious flings in our age. We’re young, aren’t we? Not everyone is as lucky as we are. Being in love and such…” her cheeks reddened upon mentioning how they were in love. Remus’ heart warmed despite feeling uneasy. Maya was just so cute.

He didn’t know what exactly about you being with Sirius was bothering him. You were his best friend. Sirius was his best friend. And if you were happy with Sirius, then everything was well, wasn’t it?

He should be happy because you were with Sirius. Sirius who carried his heart on the right spot.

Except that nothing was well and Remus tasted gall on his tongue whenever he imagined his best friend kissing you. Because it _was_ Sirius kissing _you._

* * *

 

Despite his girlfriend’s words, Remus didn’t feel assured at all. No, quite the contrary, the more time passed; the closer the finals were, the moodier he would become. Especially over the fact that Sirius did actually spend _a lot_ of time “studying” with you. His friend called it studying for the finals, but Remus wasn’t an idiot 

There was no way that Sirius fucking playboy Black would study voluntarily. His friend was smart, but fucking lazy when it came to topics that didn’t interest him. And even the N.E.W.T.s weren’t going to change his enthusiasm.

Their relationship was worsening, eventually even alarming the rest of the Marauders. Peter was the first to bring the topic up when both Remus and Sirius were absent. It happened to be when you weren’t present either, so the only audience was actually Lily and James.

They were helpless but decided to at least try and soothe the tension whenever they could to avoid an escalation. But while the two boys were rather clueless of the background, it was only for Lily, who actually knew what the reason was.

* * *

 

You had never thought that studying had the ability to mend your heart. At least, it had a kind of healing effect. When trying to forget someone who you had liked for a rather long time, the best way was actually to distract yourself, after making peace with the fact that your unrequited love would never return your feelings.

And school stress was _damn_ good at distracting you. You were standing knee-deep in homework, study work, and magic practice, spending hours in the library with a cold cup of tea and stacks of books around you like a protective wall. It helped. Temporarily.

Only once or twice, your heart would remind you painfully that just a year ago, you would have believed that Remus would be studying with you when the N.E.W.T.s were about to come. Yet you barely saw your best friend, as he preferred studying with Maya. At first, it upset you, to receive the cold shoulder, the kind of silent treatment. But he was in love and people who were in love, were prone to do foolish things. You just needed to look at the scars on your waist to remind yourself of your own decisions. It wasn’t for much later, when it suddenly occurred to you that there was much more to his behavior.

Though, you were well on your own and revising actually took your mind of unnecessary feelings such as love and heartbreak and yearning.

To your surprise, Sirius would often join you alongside with Lily and the three of you grew accustomed to spending quiet hours next to each other, brooding over difficult questions before Sirius groaned, tangling his fingers in his brown hair.

“I am tired,” he whined, leaning back in his chair.

“Pshh! We are in the library,” you scolded him and dipped your quill into the second bottle of ink. Beside you, Lily’s quill was scratching over the parchment.

“Take a break, Sirius.”

“You take one too, ______. You’ve been studying non-stop,” you could feel his gaze on your side.

“I’ll finish this first.”

“Alright.” Sirius agreed and disappeared from his seat. Some time passed and just as you were actually wondering about why exactly he did agree to your statement so quickly, Sirius returned with several water bottles and some snacks.

“The house elves gave me some stuff. Thought we could use some to fuel our brain.”

“Great, Pads, I have been starving!” Lily stretched and reached out to snatch herself a bottle of water and a pastry. “Save one for James, will you? He’s going to join us later.”

“’Kay,” Sirius replied after taking a sip from his water.

“Thank you,” you smiled when he handed you your portion, his long fingers brushing yours as he did so.

* * *

 

There was something on his mind for a while now.

Should he tell her? Would she still be able to accept him?

* * *

 

“It doesn’t matter,” she whispered, “I am not afraid.”

And he smiled, leaned in to kiss her in the corner, hidden away from others.

Not from you.

Next thing you knew was how your chest was heaving up and down as you slammed the door of the toilet shut. The toilet seat was your new claimed throne.

It was the throne of misery.

* * *

 

“Something’s happened between us,” Remus quietly spoke up when there was nobody left in the common room but the two of you.

You looked up from your notes that you were studying.

“Nothing happened,” you replied curtly, actually not wanting to pay attention to your friend.

Remus got up and slowly walked across the room, to where you were. He sat down next to you, close to you. But even that didn’t really persuade you to give him the attention that he was begging for.

“________. Please talk to me. This is most definitely NOT nothing,” he furrowed his brows, keeping his voice low.

You looked up and there was hurt in his eyes; hurt about the way your relationship changed; hurt about the way you were treating him as if he was a stranger. But it was nothing, nothing compared to the hurt that you were feeling at that place, that place where your heart was supposed to be. You bit your lip.

“Remus, I really have to study. I want to finish this topic before I go to bed.”

“________, just give me one damn second. Is this not important to you? Do you not want to sort this out?” The volume of his voice increased slightly, even though he was hoarse.

“Sort what out, Remus? That you spend more time with Maya than you do with your best friend? That’s okay anyway. But I am not a spare. I am not someone you can come to when your pretty little girlfriend doesn’t have time. Though, I think you know that I am not that kind of person.”

“You also spend a lot of time with Sirius even though you guys aren’t even going out,” Remus defended himself, “And as far as I can remember, you also preferred studying with Sirius rather than me. I asked you to join us but you refused.” He leaned forward and crossed his arms.

“Who I spend my time with doesn’t concern you. You didn’t have time because apparently studying with Maya is far more effective than studying with me. What should I do then? Interrupt your love-time? So I decided to pay attention to the people that are happy to receive it.”

You were oddly composed about Remus’ confrontation. Maybe it was because you had been thinking and over-thinking the situation.

Maybe it was because you had been analyzing it. Over and over and over again until there was nothing left but rational reason. But all you knew – all you felt, was the sudden calmness despite Remus’ upset words. He clenched his jaw and gritted his teeth, deeply thinking about what you had said. You could see it in his eyes. Anger was fighting reason. Then, after some time, there was just disappointment in his voice.

“I didn’t think you were that type of girl who just replaces others as soon as they give their time to someone else, someone who deserves it more.”

You closed your eyes and opened them again, while taking a deep breath. His accusation had hurt you more than you thought. You had been prepared to have him yelling at you, to have him lash out at you and act irrationally. You had been prepared to have him act like that, _however_ , but not like this. Not this method. But it was working anyway.

You were genuinely starting to feel guilty. Yet the words slipped over your lips, as if someone spoke through you. You were a puppet, entirely not in control.

“I am not the one that tossed this friendship into the trash,” you flatly said. Your expression was motionless. Remus flinched when returning your gaze. Your eyes were screaming and there were stories that you had never told before. Things, he should have noticed but deliberately didn’t. He started to wonder whether he might have been wrong; whether he indeed had done something to hurt you.

You slowly got up, waving your wand along with a soft spell; so soft that it was almost not audible. Your stuff gathered itself together before disappearing to your room.

“You choose her over me.”

“______, we have discussed this  _how many times?_  I am not going to replace you. Why are you feeling so threatened?” He sighed and rubbed his face, briefly burying his face in his hands. Remus seemed so tired, annoyed at that moment.

“Then let me ask you, Remus. When were you going to tell me too, that you are a werewolf?”

Remus abruptly pulled his hands away from his face to reveal wide green eyes. He shortly averted his eyes from you before looking at you again, as if he didn’t believe that you had just uttered this question.

“________, I…How?” He was at loss and you laughed humourlessly while wiping your eyes even though there were no tears.

“I am your friend of four years and you didn’t tell me. You didn’t even _consider_ telling me, even though I knew. I just wanted you to hear it coming from your own mouth,” your voice broke and your breath hitched. There was air, words, and tears stuck in your throat. Despite all, you chuckled again.

“But you told her, Remus. You told her before you told me. Your girlfriend of sixth months,” you bit your lips because now, the tears were coming and Remus was just a blur. You blinked.

You didn’t want to cry.

“Does that mean that I am not trustworthy enough?” You wiped your cheek, taking a few steps away from where Remus was sitting. You sniffed and your best friend jumped up from his seat, an apology on his lips. “Does it mean that I am not worth anything?”

“_______, wait.”

But you shrank back, your hands held out to keep him on distance.

“I guess, I am. I guess I am.”

You turned around and ran upstairs before he could say more.

* * *

 

He was tired, so tired.

“What’s your goddamn problem?” The young man asked as soon as they walked into the dormitory, closely followed by James and Peter. Sirius huffed almost exasperated, but somehow very angry as well.

“What’s _your_ goddamn problem?” Sirius countered in a challenging manner. Remus turned around, eyes narrowed.

“Oh, there are many. Take this for example; You act like a goddamn coward in front of me. What’s with these passive-aggressive comments? Don’t fuck with me Sirius, I know you weren’t joking. I am not stupid,” Remus huffed.

“Who started it first? Not me, Moony.”

“And why is it that you’re always around her. Speaking for her and talking to her. Why is it that I can’t really spend time with _my_ best friend without having you butt into things? Yes, we argued but that’s _our_ problem. Why is it that you’re acting like a fucking overprotective, extremely jealous boyfriend when you’re not even in a relationship with her? What gives you the right to steal her from me?”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You’re accusing _me_ of stealing your best friend? She’s a person with a free mind and not a goddamn thing that you’re possessing, Moony. And for your fucking information: She. Doesn’t. Want. To. Talk. To. You. _You_ don’t have any right to decide who she spends time with and who she likes and doesn’t like.”

“But I don’t want her to like you!”

Sirius raised his eyebrow in question. Remus had finally spoken the truth. It was true that there were several things that had been bothering him, but now, finally, Remus had uttered the  _real_  reason. It was almost funny.

“Oh?” if he hadn’t been so angry, Sirius supposed that it wouldn’t have sounded so sarcastic. He walked up to Remus, closer and closer until their chests could’ve touched.

“And why is that?”

His friend didn’t reply, instead just glared at him with these green eyes. Silently, with cold anger burning inside them.

“Goddammit Lupin, tell me why it is like that?” he pushed Remus’ chest, throwing him slightly backward.

“You don’t suit her. You’re not good enough for her. Always playing around, never serious. You don’t deserve her,” Remus’ voice got louder with each word as he defended himself not only verbally but physically as well. James and Peter made a move, sensing deep danger. While Peter closed the distance to Remus, James, being the bulkier one, positioned himself next to the taller Sirius. They knew that their friends were ready to fight, like bloodthirsty dogs. The tension was almost visible.

Sirius took a deep breath to calm his rioting mind. Then he opened his mouth to speak.

“And you think you’re much more suited for her?”

“Of course,” Remus’ reply was full of uncharacteristic arrogance. He lifted his chin, seeming like a little defiant child.

“I know her like no other. I understand her the most.”

Sirius took a swing; control lost in the depth of the raging white fire.

“You know _nothing_ ,” he gritted his teeth.

His fist met Remus’ face before James could stop him despite his fast reflexes. Peter reacted by pushing himself between Sirius and Remus, before James got a hold of Sirius. Remus held his cheek, before wiping his mouth, regaining control of his body. He had staggered backward due to the impact of the hit.

“You bastard.”

“Remus,” Peter warned as his friend appeared to take a step towards Sirius.

“You’re the one to talk. Always acting like you’re better. Saint Moony. I am the kindest and gentlest Remus Lupin. I have the most tragic background and no self-confidence,” Sirius raised his hands to make quotation marks.

“But you know what pisses me off the most?” he snorted.

“ _You_ broke her heart before I could even break it You broke it and trampled on the pieces with Maya, your great Maya. And I, _I_ am picking up the remnants of what YOU have left.” James pushed him backward, increasing the distance between Remus and him. But Sirius didn’t let him. He wanted to punch that bastard, desired nothing more than to knock some sense into this idiot’s mind.

“If there’s someone who doesn’t deserve __________. It’s  _you._  You don’t see her value. You don’t cherish her for all the things that she has done for you. She had become an Animagus for you, for god’s sake. She had gotten herself wounded for you and even then she STILL WENT OUT TO PROTECT YOU. And what did you do instead? You fucking asshole went out to tell fucking Maya that you were a werewolf? Merlin, even I am not that stupid.”

Remus’ eyes widened and he stumbled back, not registering anything except that one, little detail.

“Lies.” There was no air in his lungs.

“Lies? The great Remus Lupin thinks I am spouting nonsense. Look at that, James,” Sirius mocked.

“Sirius,” James scolded, “Stop. That’s enough already.

“No, Prongs. He has to know,” Sirius replied, suddenly becoming calm. Too calm.

“Sirius. You don’t actually have proof-“ James tried again.

“If you don’t believe me, fine. I don’t care because she is better off without you anyway. But she wears scars on her waist. The ones that you had inflicted on her, back then, in our sixth year when we all thought something attacked you.”

Sirius freed himself from James’ grip. Then the young man stalked out of the room, fuming with anger.

Remus stared at his friend and suddenly all of the adrenaline, all of his strength was gone. Wrath was replaced with a void, and the young man was sure that the Dementor had just fed on him.

He desperately needed some chocolate.

 


	3. Part. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written in 2017. Edited a little in 2018.

Finals. 

Your days at Hogwarts were counted, limited from years to only a few months, and then from months to weeks. Time passed too fast, but at the same time, it couldn’t pass any faster. There was nothing that you wanted more than just to skip the exams and jump right to graduation, as your worry and anxiety rose exponentially; the closer that fateful day approached.

You supposed that no matter where you were, whether it was a normal school for Muggles or a school for witches and wizards – finals were always stressful

“You can distinguish the last years from the sixth years,” you told Lily, “Just look at their eye bags.

“If we hosted a competition, I’d be the winner, I swear,” the ginger replied, tiredly rubbing her eyes as the two of you walked to the next lesson.

“Nah, I am sure, I’d win it. At least, you’re getting a little sleep,” you stopped so she could take her books again. Lily had asked you to hold them for her earlier so she could fix her robe. “I am not.”

“Too tired to use magic,” she just muttered upon your raised eyebrow.

“How’s James?”

“Messy as always,” Lily simply replied, “But he’s studying too.”

“You guys are actually getting something done, aren’t ya?”

“’Course. Even though he likes to take breaks. A lot of them,” she smiled almost dreamily for a moment but then got serious again.

“Remus asked about you.”

You took a deep breath and briefly closed your eyes before your lips curled into a small smile. It was enough of an answer to Lily.

“I don’t want to think about him now,” the smile disappeared, “I don’t have time to think about him. I have exams to pass.”

* * *

 

Remus had a lot of time to ponder over things he shouldn’t think about, not when exams were around the corner. When he should actually be wondering about where to go and what to do after he would graduate from Hogwarts.

But you wouldn’t leave his thoughts and the image of your tears that were gathering in the corner of your eyes; it had burned itself into his mind, like hot iron into flesh. It hurt and stung just the same, though. And there were Sirius’ words echoing in his head, like a broken record, like a curse that haunted him every single night.

Were you really the creature that had attacked him? He found it hard to believe. It was ridiculous. But then again…

Was it really you whom he had hurt? Was there truth to what his friend had claimed? But why would Sirius lie?

So many questions, so little answers. His head was spinning and hurting and it was all the same, no matter how many times he was asking himself these questions. And each time, more of them arose.

“Remus, are you okay? Does the bruise still hurt?” Maya’s concerned face appeared in his view and he gave a tired smile. He must have frowned.

The bruise on his face, resulting from Sirius’ anger, was still faintly visible to everyone. Maya had mixed some cream with Arnica, which helped a lot by speeding up the healing process. But nevertheless, Remus couldn’t avoid the curious faces of his classmates. If the teachers were wondering about the origin of the bruise, they didn’t show it. None of them actually asked, much to his relief. Only McGonagall, being head of the house, merely raised her eyebrow before saying: “You should get that treated, Mr. Lupin.”

“Yes. No. Actually… no to both,” he sighed and rubbed his tired eyes. Maya wrapped her arms around his broad body and subconsciously, he leaned into her touch. “I deserved it.”

“It will be alright.” she pressed a kiss on his forehead and rubbed circles on the shoulder blades. It was a very intimate gesture, trusting and calming and Remus couldn’t help but chuckle slightly. She was lovely.

“I am not so sure, actually. There are a lot of things that I did wrong.”

“Rem, I will not defend you and I won’t be saying that it was a bad decision to tell me either. We’re in a relationship and in relationships, trust and transparency are essential. It was right of you to tell me and I appreciate your bravery and your trust very much. Thank you.” Maya looked him straight in the eye, underlining every single word with her earnest expression.

“But from the point of view of a friend, I can understand why ______ is hurt and why she feels betrayed. So in this case, an apology for that would be very much appropriate.”

Remus tilted his head, listening to what his girlfriend was saying. Maya was right and her reasoning was logical and probably less subjective than his own.

She wasn’t plagued by guilt feelings. She wasn’t angry either, being someone who wasn’t directly involved in all this mess. And she wasn’t confused too – but then again, he didn’t confide her that Sirius had told him these particular things.

Things that changed everything.

Things he was still reluctant to believe.

“Do you think an apology is enough?”

“You won’t know unless you try, love,” she gave a comforting smile, “But I can assure you that things are going to be alright. You’re close enough to make it. Only time will determine when that will be.”

“Thank you,” he took her face in his hands and pressed his lips to her smiling ones.

* * *

 

You sat at the same table just as you always did, head bent over notes and parchment curls while sipping on your morning beverage. Nobody was talking, only James was munching on a croissant, sending crumbles flying everywhere.

“Prongs. You eat like a pig,” Sirius muttered with faked disgust before he wiped some of the crumbles from the table.

There was a small cut on his lip, almost unnoticeable to outsiders. But you knew that he had gotten into a fight with Remus. Sirius had snuck into your room that day, confessing his betrayal. There had been a trickle of blood on his lips; he had accidentally bitten into his own flesh upon taking Remus’ counter-attack. You had spent the first few moments, worried about his small injury, only so these emotions could vanish and make space for tremendous anger.

Then, a lot of screaming followed and Sirius was sure that if you ever were to send a Howler, everyone in the same room as the receiver would die immediately.

Finally, you gathered some alcohol and a cotton bud to clean the small injury, still growling under your breath after forcing him to sit down on your bed.

“Nah, I think he resembles a deer. I mean look at his long face, “Peter chimed in, quietly laughing to himself. Remus cracked a grin, briefly looking up from his own notes.

“Now that you mention it, P – You’re actually right,” Sirius agreed with disbelief.

“Lily, teach me about this potion,” James rolled his eyes at his friends before directing his attention all towards his red-haired girlfriend.

“Use your brain, love,” she grinned playfully.

“He doesn’t have one,” Sirius reminded all of you.

“Right, I forgot.”

“You’re pretty bold today, Evans. Just yesterday you were too shy to actua-”

“Shut up, Potter” Lily put her hands over James’ mouth, muffling the second part of his sentence. There was a blush creeping on her freckled cheeks and you smiled, touched by how sweet these two were. Their relationship had evolved into something very natural, full of playful banter. Seeing your best friend happy warmed your heart. But at the same time, you couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of their relationship.

“Mab me” James challenged and the sunset was reflecting in his glasses.

The Great Hall was slowly emptying. Dinner had long passed and most of the students headed back to their house quarters to either hang out in the common rooms or retreat to their rooms. Only a few seventh years were still lingering here, either studying, reading or quietly discussing things that you didn’t care for, their heads stuck together.

“The heck Remus, Inferi are weak to fire and not water. What shit are you making up in your notes?” Sirius spoke up after peaking at his friend’s studying material.

“Fuck, you’re right,” Remus gave Sirius a grateful look. He was surprised to have Sirius talk to him after their argument two weeks ago. It was the first time his friend engaged in a conversation with him. They had been sitting next to each other in heavy silence during lessons, unsaid words hanging thick in the air and daggers shooting back and forth.

Nobody dared to say anything.

“Take a break Moony, you’ve been making mistakes like these lately,” Peter advised, “How about you sneak into the kitchen and bring your hardworking girlfriend some treats?”

“That’s a good idea,” his smooth voice was like a hug. Remus’ eyes flickered to you, briefly locking with your own. For a moment, he looked as if he was about to ask you to go with him. You looked downward, not joining their conversation. You weren’t ready to talk to him yet and they all could sense the tension, the hidden emotions that were stringing back and forth between Remus and you; full of unspoken words and apologies in his eyes.

_An Obscurus is a manifestation of the repressed energy of a magical child, it’s a dark, parasitic force and it…_

“I will go with you, cause I am starving,” Sirius stood up, surprising Remus even more. The brown haired raised his eyebrows but didn’t ask further questions.

“Let’s go, or have you put down some roots, Rem?”

“Coming, Pads.”

* * *

 

“I am sorry for being an idiot, mate,” Remus quietly said after the two boys had been walking for a while, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

“Well, you can’t help it, can ya,” Sirius replied while flashing a small mocking smile. But it oddly was peaceful, without any hints of sharpness.

“I guess I can’t,” Remus had to smile as well, his friend’s smile was just too contagious.

“No but seriously, you don’t have to feel sorry for me. It’s ___________ you should tell that to,” Sirius stared at the ground, watching very of his steps even though his body was already very familiar with the path.

“You really do like her.”

“I do,” Remus could see the affection in Sirius’ eyes and held back feelings, such as he had never seen before in their seven years of friendship.

“Does she know?” Remus ran his fingers through his hair and he didn’t have to say any more to make Sirius understand.

“Yeah,” Sirius quietly confirmed, turning his head to look at his friend, who seemed very lost in that very moment. “I told her.”

“I tried to talk to her about it. About our argument and about what you’ve told me. But she just sighed and told me that she had other things on her mind right now. I screwed up, didn’t I?”

“I wouldn’t say that. But I wouldn’t say you didn’t, either.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome, Moons,” Sirius patted Remus’ back.

* * *

 

N.E.W.T.s

Nastily Exhausting Wizarding Test.

And oh boy, how exhausting they were.

“Lily, I can’t sleep,” you whispered, “I am too nervous.”

“Me too,” she whispered back from her bed. “I am good at Potions but my nerves are going crazy.”

You slipped out of your bed before walking over to Lily’s, carefully not to wake the other girls.

“Hey,” she murmured, shifting to one side to make some space for you, “We haven’t done that since our third year.”

“Yeah, and now I know why,” you groaned but then released a giggle, “There’s not enough space for the two of us.”

Your shoulder was touching hers when you finally settled down, before deciding to turn so could lie on your waist. It was dark already and you could barely see her face, but still, it felt better to look at her while talking. Lily turned to do the same, before tugging one of her red hair strands behind her ear.

“It’s our last year, can you believe that? In just two months, and we will never return to this place. Feels weird, doesn’t it?” Lily spoke in a hushed tone.

“Weird, but scary weird. I mean, we are supposed to be adults now, but I don’t feel very adulty. Just very stressed.”

“I agree,” she took a deep breath, before speaking, “James wants to move together when we graduate.”

“Really?” You said a bit louder than you had intended and Lily immediately covered your mouth with a “Shhh.”

“Sorry, the excitement,” you whispered with a small snort, Lily gave a soft, hearty laugh.

“Are you going to do so?”

“Not sure, we’re still very young, I am kind of thinking of living alone first, before making this decision. But for now, my biggest problem starts tomorrow,” she dryly replied.

“What am I saying. James is always the biggest problem,” she snorted and you laughed as well.

“There’s a scar on my waist,” you spoke up after a short moment of silence. You didn’t know what had overcome you. Perhaps it was because it was late. Perhaps it was because tomorrow, you would have to sit in the Great Hall, writing one of the biggest exams in your life. Perhaps it was because you didn’t want to keep it secret anymore. Lily was your best friend, so why did you hide it, in the first place?

“Yes…What happened that night?” The night, where she saw you the morning after, eyes bloodshot and skin as pale as the white sheets of her bed. And the way you moved, stiff and exhausted and careful, as if you had been deeply hurt. Lily decided not to ask, seeing that you were not ready. She knew, that one day, you would confide to her and until that day, all she could do was to help you whenever you let her. You had never been the type to talk about what was worrying you.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just couldn’t. Sometimes I was dying to tell you, sometimes I was scared of telling you and sometimes, I just wished I didn’t decide to do this, even though of course, it’s complete crap and I would decide the same if I went back in time.”

Lily didn’t answer, but even in the dark, you could feel the intensity of her stare.

You took her warm hand into yours, seeking comfort, as you gulped; stringing the right words together. She squeezed it, encouraging you to go on.

“I became an Animagus,” you breathed out. Four single words, yet it took all of your effort to say them out loud. Then you laughed, slightly humorless. “Illegally, that is.”

“To protect Remus,” Lily’s answer was so quiet, you didn’t fully comprehend it, at first.

Of course, she knew; your best friend wasn’t dense. She should have figured by now; you hadn’t particularly been acting unsuspicious.

“You figured.”

“Last year. Peter is a very bad liar, you see,” she revealed, “They act very suspicious, occasionally. And the funny thing is; they don’t even notice that they are.”

“I suppose.”

“But that day, something went wrong, didn’t it?”

“Yes. I usually stay in the background, but that time, they seemed to have lost control over him. He was running towards a cliff like a bull that had seen red.”

“So I tackled him from the side, after changing from my usual form into something bigger. His claws ripped the flesh of my waist and I managed to flee before one of them caught me… You know when Remus officially introduced Maya to us? That day, I still went out to look after him. My wound hadn’t healed up at that time and I hadn’t consulted Madame Pomfrey, so naturally, it took its time,” you laughed and to Lily, it sounded more hollow than sarcastic.

She placed her other hand on top of the already intertwined ones. It hurt her heart to hear you so unhappy and it hurt her even more than you had gone through everything on your own.

“I knew something was going on but decided not to confront you. But I realize, maybe I should have had. Maybe that way, I could’ve helped you somehow. I am sorry, ________.”

“Don’t be sorry, Lily,” your voice was soft, dipped in so many emotions, “Please don’t be. It was my fault too. I should’ve told you, too.” Lily squeezed your hand again.

“Transforming ripped the wound open again and slowed the healing process drastically. Sirius found me in the girl’s bathroom after I came back. I don’t know why but, he knew. Knew about everything.” There were tears gathering in the corner of your eyes. You turned to lie on your back, staring at the ceiling so they wouldn’t spill.

“And now Remus does too,” your voice broke a little and so did Lily’s heart.

* * *

 

He saw you in a different light, noticed small things that he never seemed to have noticed before. The way you were chewing on your lips during the exam in DADA, deeply thinking up the answer to whatever question you were on. You looked tired, had dark circles under your eyes and Remus could swear that you had lost weight. He was over-conscious of your presence, now that you weren’t talking anymore.

He saw you tearing at the inner vanes and mused that at the end of this exam, your quill was going to be a mess, all torn and ugly.

And then he bent his head, rubbing his sore neck before scribbling down the answers to questions he couldn’t even remember, now that he was thinking back to it. All the subject material spilled out of his mind as if a dam had been broken. But he would still occasionally look up to catch a glimpse of your profile and Remus, wondered how you were doing.

Still, all these unanswered questions were whirling in his head, squeezed between stuff that he had studied and revised for the N.E.W.T.s. Beside him, James flashed a satisfied grin, while Peter seemed slightly troubled. Sirius however, remained motionless. All Remus could see was his friend’s back and his bent head.

* * *

 

Someone had snuck a shit ton of Firewhisky into the Gryffindor common room. A record player was playing some jazz music in the background and there were laughter and the sound of glasses clinking together all scattered through the room. You were sitting next to Lily and Peter, hands wrapped around a clear glass filled with brown liquor. Every sip burned in your throat and tears would well up in your eyes. But it was nice, nice to release all the stress after continuous studying. And not to mention, after losing precious sleep.

Despite not having gotten the results yet, everyone was still celebrating the end of the N.E.W.T.s. In this very moment, it didn’t matter whether you had passed or not; at this moment, everything became blurred and your body felt lighter.

You felt happy.

There was laughter spilling over your lips and you crinkled your eyes, before taking another sip of your drink. Snacks were passed around and Sirius was dancing with James in the middle of the room, both laughing loudly. Someone lit enchanted fireworks that they had probably gotten from Zonko’s.

You emptied your glass and asked Peter to refill it. He smiled softly before using his magic to do so.

“Thanks Peter,” you hummed, before turning towards Lily to ask her about the dress that she was going to wear to the Graduation Ball.

“Did he ask you to accompany him?”

“No, I asked him before he could. And then he went on to sulk half of an hour because he wanted to ask me,” Lily’s gaze rested fondly on the boy with the messy hair and the glasses, who was now walking towards the three of you.

“That’s because his pride was hurt.”

“Evans,” Said one slid next to her and you faced Peter, to engage him in a conversation as well.

“Unthinkable that she wasn’t particularly fond of him in the beginning, don’t you agree?”

“They say opposites attract.”

“True,” you nodded, remembering this proverb as well.

“Did you manage to go on well with the questions? I had a tad bit of troubles with the questions in Transfiguration. But I think I managed to pull it off.”

“Oh, the one about turning statues into Armor?”

“Yes, I am sure McGonagall had mentioned it once, long, long ago. I couldn’t remember it though, no matter how hard I was thinking! My head was fuming, haha,” you laughed, a little tipsy from the alcohol.

“It’s been Potions for me. Never been good at that subject. I envy James for his talent,” he leaned back on the sofa, gripping the glass tighter so he could take a sip.

“But it was Piertotum Locomotor by the way.”

“Ugh! Thank you very much! This was the one I was searching for. Even Lily couldn’t remember,” you groaned, before laughing. Peter smiled weakly.

“Say, Peter, have you already asked someone out to the Graduation Ball?”

“No, not yet,” he smiled and his coffee brown eyes crinkled, glittering kindly. Somewhere, someone was laughing out loud.

“How about we go? As friends? I haven’t gotten a partner either. But only if you don’t have someone particular in mind yet.”

“Sure thing! It’s gonna be great.”

“Alright!”

“Hey, whatcha talkin’ about?” Sirius pulled a chair next to Peter. Sitting down, he absentmindedly fished for his glass that he had set on the ground just a few seconds before.

“Peter and I are going to the Ball,” you informed Sirius and if you hadn’t t been too drunken, you probably would have noticed how his playful smirk faltered for a second, breaking down like a card house.

“As friends,” Peter then quickly added, “Because we wanted to avoid the hassle of asking someone out.”

“Yup, yup,” you emptied another shot, deeply breathing in as you were waiting for your throat to stop burning.

“Where’s Moony?”

“He’s gone to get Maya.”

You started humming to the music and closed your eyes, simply enjoying the atmosphere while the two boys were talking. The world was a carousel. The wheels of the bus go round and round-

“_________, are you alright?” Lily poked your side and you opened your eyes again, squeaking slightly.

“Yes, yes, I am more than fine,” you refilled your glass and drank it in one gulp. Seriously, you were feeling better with every glass.

“You’ve been drinking a lot. More than usually.”

“Nah, not at all! This is only my second? Or third? I don’t remember, haha,” you chuckled.

“That’s what I am saying. You’ve claimed the same not too long ago, love,” Lily replied, a little worried. Sometimes, she was just such a mom.

“No, really, I am fine. I feel good!”

* * *

 

When Remus arrived along with Maya, a little while later, you were extremely drunk. Remus had spent some alone time with his girlfriend as they hadn’t been able to meet up during the last period just right before the exam.

He pulled her close to press a kiss on her temple and she smiled before both of them entered the Gryffindor common room after Remus had given the Fat Lady the password.

Inside, the small party was still going, his fellow classmates were sitting together, laughing, chatting and joking. James had his arm around Lily, the two of them sitting cozily on the sofa. Sirius and Peter were in a heated conversation about…probably something dumb, and you, you were sitting between all of them, laughing loudly about something Sirius had just said.

Remus’ heart squeezed. He hadn’t heard your carefree laugh for quite a while and he was well aware that he was probably the main reason why you didn’t show your smile.

“Shall we join them? Or do you want to stand here for a moment to carve this image into your mind?” Maya tugged on his hand, a sweet smile in her eyes.

“It’s our last time sitting together like this, I suppose. Before we scatter throughout the whole world.”

“Yes,” Remus painfully realized, his eyes resting on you. His stomach curled, was in knots.

“Let’s walk over to them,” he then suggested before Maya and he approached his friends.

* * *

 

You woke up to your head exploding and furniture becoming blurry as you tried to sit up.

“For fuck’s sake,” you cursed under your breath, closing your eyes while inhaling deeply. You didn’t remember much of last night, or more like, nothing at all. Taking another deep breath, you then opened your eyes again, looking over at Lily’s bed.

It was empty and neatly made and the sun was shining on her white sheet, dipping it into a pastel-like, golden colour. You didn’t know what time it was and you honestly didn’t care. So you lied back down to your bed, pulling the blanket over your head. Breathing out loud, you closed your eyes again and tried to suppress the throbbing – the construction site- inside your head.

When you opened a gap to avoid suffocation, you discovered the two bottles of water on the nightstand, along with a packet of magical painkillers. You could kiss Lily right now, she was indeed a real gem.

You then crawled out of your warm blanket cave and reached for the painkillers and a bottle of water. That was when you also noticed the small note that only contained three little words, written in messy handwriting that made your heart leap.

_Get well soon_.

There was no signature, but you had seen his writing countless times; it was impossible not to recognize the writer. After all, you had spent years sitting beside him, watching him scrawl his notes across the page and absentmindedly doodle ugly drawings on the margin.

* * *

 

So it was true. All of it. Entirely, undoubtedly.

Sirius carried you upstairs accompanied by your giggles and sweet smiles and hazy eyes that made his heart flutter in a very strange way.

Suddenly Remus was scared of what could happen when Sirius was alone with you. So he quickly kissed Maya, hasty words leaving his lips before he jumped up from his seat, running after Sirius. He stopped to get some water and magical painkillers, musing that you would most likely need these the morning after.

But at the same time, he wondered, what could be the reason why you drank so much?

He was a mess and so was his heart.

“Should I help you, mate?” Remus slipped past the magical border, just as lightly as Sirius had done seconds before him.

“I am good,” Sirius muttered, placing you down very gently before brushing the hair out of your face with such tenderness.

Remus tasted gall in his mouth. Because it wasn’t him who was doing it; because he had lost the right to take care of you. It tasted bitter. Because he was thinking about you while his hands intertwined with Maya’s.

The dim light from outside was casting shadows on your sleeping figure, drawing hills and valley on your face. Your eyes were fluttering slightly.

“I’ll do the rest, “Lily appeared in the doorframe. She walked over to you and gently pulled the blanket from below to cover you. “You guys can go back. The other’s are waiting.”

“Sheesh, girl,” Remus heard her mutter.

“Okays,” Sirius replied, giving a small smile, “You coming, Rem?” He stopped at the door frame upon realizing that Remus wasn’t following him.

“I’ll be down in a sec,” Remus found himself answering before he held up the things that he had tugged between his arm. “I still have these.”

Sirius nodded and disappeared down the stairs.

“Let me help you,” Remus quietly said, setting the medicine down the nightstand so he could proceed with free hands.

You turned to lie on one side and the hem of your shirt reddened up, exposing a big, visible scar, the second skin covering what used to be cut open; thick and paler than your skin colour. It was like the ones that he was carrying around, all scattered across his body and his face. Like blemishes and flaws.

Inerasable, staining. And lasting.

* * *

 

_There was a scar on your waist and it was his fault._

It was all he could think about; repeatedly, perpetually.

His mind was a broken record.

* * *

 

“You look stunning, _________,” Peter beamed at you, genuinely looking forward to spending this evening with you. You linked your arms with his and giggled.

“You’re the one to talk, Mr. Handsome.”

He couldn’t help but blush and his modesty caused you to smile.

Lily wore a green dress that was a perfect complement to her eyes. You had done her hairdo, threading some daisies into her ginger hair and still from afar, you could see the blushes of the white petals. She was dancing with James, who was trying his hardest not to trip. Sirius swirled past you but didn’t let the short moment prevent him from flashing you a mischievous smile.

The Great Hall had been decorated fabulously; someone had set a pavilion in the middle of the huge room. It was white, with ivy hugging the columns and small chain of lights were connecting the thick walls of the castle to the pavilion. Like glittering veins in blinding white light.

Someone had gotten some fairies to be the light around the magical trees that Madame Pomfrey had provided, small willow trees in the most radiant green and fireflies dancing their own song to the slow music that was currently playing.

After Dumbledore’s small opening speech, the orchestra started playing and the crowd scattered throughout the whole Great Hall.

A number of students were taking photos at the pavilion, all couples; and all with tinted cheeks and bright smiles. Some others were standing over at one of the long tables, where thousands delicious cakes and snacks were lining up; ready to disappear behind lipstick mouths. Peter offered to get you some punch, but you softly shook your head, leading him to the dance floor.

“You know I am miserable at dancing,” he frantically shook his head, refusing to follow.

“Come on, P. Just one dance. For the memories? Look how much fun the others are having.”

“Even Remus is dancing and he doesn’t seem to be good at it as well,” you motioned towards the brown-haired who was trying his best to lead a laughing Maya. It seemed as if she ended up leading though.

You skillfully ignored the small pang in your chest and turned around to look into Peter’s eyes. Focusing was the best escape.

“Do you really not want to go? It looks like fun.”

“I suppose we could. Only one dance though,” he grinned, moving his eyes slightly as if to give you a warning. But the mischievous glint his eyes was softening his expression.

“Let’s show them all how much better we are.”

You looked absolutely beautiful in the shimmering white lights, wearing a dream of a dress in your favourite colour.  Remus’ couldn’t help but stare for a moment upon seeing you dancing with Peter.

Here, at this very moment, your hair seemed silky and soft, playfully framing your face. You had a barrette in your hair, small iridescent pearls threading with your soft strands. Your full lips were parting for a smile when Peter made a comment. Somehow, you had grown up into a beautiful young woman. How come that he only noticed this now?

“She looks beautiful, doesn’t she?” Maya whispered amused, not offended by his staring at all. He ripped his eyes away from your waist.

“She does. But you look better. You’re breathtaking,” he leaned towards her only to steal a kiss of lingering sweetness. His lips were prickling pleasantly. Yet she wasn’t on his mind. Not quite, at least.

“You’re all smooth talk, Remus,” she laughed, her hazelnut eyes soft with affection for him. He tugged a golden lock behind her ear, sending shivers over her spine and creating goosebumps on her arms.

“That’s because I like to impress you, love.”

“You are. Every day.”

“Shut up you love birds. I can still hear you over the music and it’s disgusting,” Sirius yelled from a few meters away, craning his neck so he could get a better look of Remus. He had a brunette girl in his arms, leading her gracefully while bashing his best friend.

“Fuck off, Pads.”

“How about you fuck off, Moons?”

“Now, now, gentlemen. We don’t argue at our graduation ball, do we?” James approached his friends while swirling Lily around.

“Prongs, they’re not arguing. They’re fighting. That’s a difference,” Peter laughed, tightening his grip on your waist.

“That tickles, Peter,” you squirmed.

“Really?” he asked, repeating his action, making you squirm once more.

“Peter!” you almost yelled.

“Sorry,” Peter chuckled and for a moment his eyes held a mischievous glint, just right before he turned beet red upon stepping on your foot.

“I-I am sorry,” he stammered, now back to his nervous self.

“That sounds more genuine, haha,” you let him clumsily swirl you around.

“That’s because it is,” Peter joined his sweaty hand with yours again.

Ever since the two of you had started to dance, he had been rather stiff, his eyes focusing on his feet as he tried his best to lead you well. At the end of the song, Peter was more than relieved to let your hands go.

“Thank you. I appreciate it,” you slightly tilted your head, giving him a sincere smile which he returned.

“Can I have this dance then, Milady?” Sirius appeared out of nowhere, his grey eyes twinkling playfully as he extended his hand, slightly bowing as he did so. You admit that he looked extremely handsome in his black suit, the red-golden tie of your house tugged so neatly beneath his jacket. He ruffled his brown hair, letting it seem much messier than before. Peter chuckled, slowly walking off the dance floor, waving, as he did so.

“Yes, why not,” you then placed your hand in his and in an instant, your body touched his as he pulled you close to him.

“You’re beautiful today, _______,” he whispered a little breathlessly, before flashing you a confident smile.

“Stop staring at my boobs, Sirius,” your dry reply coaxed deep, throaty laughter – a sound, that every girl would have found appealing.

“You’re accusing me of indecent things,” he wiggled his eyebrows flirtatiously and pulled you even closer.

“That’s because every single thing about you is indecent.”

“Oh, so you’ve been thinking about me, quite a lot, haven’t you?” his lips curled into a mischievous smirk and you rolled your eyes before turning away from him.

“You wish.”

Remus was sitting over at the table with Peter and Lily while James was dancing with Maya. But instead of setting his eyes on his gorgeous girlfriend, he was looking straight at you.

“He’s been staring at you ever since we started dancing,” Sirius leaned in to whisper in your ear, his deep voice sending soft vibrations. You had to shiver.

“How come?”

“You should ask him that yourself. There’s plenty of things that you guys need to talk about,” he backed away so he could swirl you around before you joined your hands again.

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

“______, as much as I understand you, it’s been six weeks. How much longer do you want to keep this act up?” The furrows on his forehead disappeared shortly after.

“As long as I need it.”

“Exams are over, sweetie. Therefore any other excuses are invalid.”

“Sirius…”

“Don’t be childish, sweetie.”

He acknowledged your glare with a cheeky grin, which could be considered adorable.

“Look, ______. Let me tell you something.” Sirius’ eyes met yours and unconsciously, you craned your neck to look up to him, to look properly at him. It was the intensity of his gaze that captured you; never let you go.

“I like you and I have since a while… - probably ever since I first suspected you of being that fox in the forest.”

You opened your mouth to protest.  _Remus_.

But closed it again; not able to find the right words to say. Perhaps it was because you were shocked that you were unable to speak. But perhaps, you didn’t want to say anything.

“I know you like him.”

You kept looking at him. He held your gaze.

“It doesn’t change a thing,” he continued firmly.

“I am sorry, Sirius,” you finally breathed out, almost choking on your own words. You were trying to process what he was telling you, but somehow, you couldn’t quite grasp the situation. Sirius was in love with you? Sirius Black. In love?

The first song came to an end, but Sirius kept dancing.

“What I am saying is, and I know it sounds bloody cliché, but the thing about liking someone is also wanting to see them happy,” Sirius went on, his steel grey eyes not showing any emotions as they stared into the distance before wandering back to you.

“And love, you’re not happy, because you haven’t been able to reconcile with him yet. I can see it in your eyes,” he reached out to touch the skin beneath your eyes, just right above your cheekbones.

“Reconciling doesn’t change a thing, Sirius. I don’t need to make up with him when his priorities have shifted that greatly.”

“But of course. Maya is his girlfriend after all.”

“That’s not helping, Sirius,” you clenched your jaw.

“Don’t sulk like this. It looks ugly.”

“Shut up,” you shot back, but your heart felt less heavy.

“Talk to him, will ya? I promise it will make you happy. Because it will fill this little thing here,” Sirius playfully poked your chest, just right where your heart was.

You didn’t answer when the two of you came to stop; the second song had ended.

“I am sorry I can’t answer your feelings, Sir.”

“It’s okay. I have plenty of girls who would like to get your position, you know?” He smirked, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Now go, he’s already coming,” Sirius gestured towards one direction and you turned around to see Remus walking towards you, his hands buried in the pockets of his jacket.

“Where’s Maya? I would like to ask her for a dance – only at your permission, of course, Rem.”

“She’s still with our _deer_  friend,” Remus chuckled.

“What a pun,” you snorted.

Sirius squeezed your hands for one last time before letting go, waving one more time before strolling towards the table, to where Peter and Lily were sitting, absorbed in a conversation.

“Do you…want to get some fresh air?”

He looked so hopeful that you didn’t want to crush him.

“Yeah, sure.”

* * *

 

Not having a definition was awkward.

Were you friends? Were you strangers? Or were you still in an argument?

You certainly didn’t know. And so did it feel, just weird and odd and indefinable.

So you thought.

“Here,” Remus took his jacket off and placed it over your shoulders as soon as you walked into the significantly colder hallway. It wasn’t particularly cold outside though, but you found it very thoughtful of him to do so despite your current situation.

“Thanks.”

The two of you walked in silence, each of you deeply lost in thought, frantically trying to find the right words; words that wouldn’t be stuck in your throat as soon as you opened your mouths.

It’s been six weeks, six weeks where you could’ve spoken to each other; where you could’ve sorted out the things that had happened, that had left an unchanging mark on your friendship.

“There’s nothing that I can say to express how sorry I am and there’s no reason that I can give, either. I just know that what I did is unforgivable and I understand if you do not like to be friends anymore.”

Somehow, suddenly things became crystal clear.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s fine now,” you looked straight into his eyes. And his lips curled into a relieved smile, almost too bright for the emotions that were raging inside your mind.

Did he honestly believe that you could go on as if nothing happened?

The reason why you were running away; it was small, simple – cliché even. A boy and a girl could never be friends. Not when there were feelings involved. The more time passed, the more you looked at Maya and him, the more you realized that you needed to distance yourself in order to move on. Exposing yourself to their relationship was as if gripping on the sharp end of the knife.

It hurt.

But never healed.

And maybe, after coming to that realization, somewhere in the corners of your mind, your heart had decided to escape. Because leaving him seemed to hurt more than staying.

You needed time. And even more distance, not sad grey eyes and curled lips and intertwined hands- and a girl, a girl that looked like a descended angel. The girl that brought happiness.

Clean cuts always hurt less.

“I am glad we graduated, you know? Because you’re right, Remus. I do not like to be friends with you.”

His smile falters, brows furrowed and shaking fingers, slender, reaching out to touch you.

“I want to be more than that,” your throat was dry, voice hollow as a whisper. Because you had never said it out loud. It sounded raspy; unusual, and most of all, tragedy.

Remus closed his eyes, as if trying to shut off the pain that he was feeling. You reached out to touch his cheek. Lightly, faintly, fingertips fleeting over his warm skin.

When he opened his eyes, he saw you smiling.

“And that’s why I can’t be around you anymore. I am sorry.”

“Be happy okay? I sincerely wish that.”

* * *

 

It took them almost a year to track you down, finally finding you in a soup kitchen, miles away from London. You had decided to mingle with Muggles, in the end, volunteering in this institution that would cook for homeless and poor people. Muggle Studies had always interested you greatly and because you feared that you might stumble over Remus and Maya in the Wizarding World, you found this to be a good, temporary solution.

So you spent a lot of time, learning to use your two own hands to cook dinners and lunches and prepare breakfast and cakes for Sundays. It was hard and it was unusual and your parents most definitely didn’t approve of your choice. But it was fulfilling and seeing all these happy faces, whenever they came to get their food. You mingled with them, copied their way of talking and chatted the evening hours away, sitting between Muggles as if you were one of them. Sometimes, you would prepare some potions and creams at home, picking some of the herbs that you had purchased in one of the Wizarding herbal shops in Diagon Alley. They were supposed to help with healing their bruises and get rid of infections.

Soon, you were famous as the dinner doctor in between the crowds, their faces beaming with joy whenever you had enough time to come for a talk.

Despite staying in contact with Lily through owls, you had never told her where you were staying, as you were traveling a lot in the first months after leaving Hogwarts with a fairly good report. Then, finally, you settled down in a very small apartment for the rest of the year, helping with charity institutions until she appeared in front of you, one day.

“Hey Henry,” you smiled at the elder man who just came up to you, his plate already in his hands. “How do you do? How’s your leg?”

“Healin’ up, little chicken. Almost as good as new. Thanks,” he gave you a bright smile, with two teeth missing, in return while you filled his plate.

“It’s getting rather cold. Do you have enough blankets? I can still bring you some if you need some.”

“No, got the blankets of Riley. He gone already for a week. Don’t think he will return,” you handed him the plate that he received happily.

“He too? First Martha went missing and now it’s Riley? Isn’t that a bit odd?” you raised your eyebrow, leaning closer towards Henry who was putting his plate back on his tray.

“Water,” he nonchalantly asked.

“Oh yeah, right,” you remembered, before bending to get the water bottle from the box.

“But y’know, things like that happen all the time lately. People disappearing; nothin’ unusual.”

“I wonder if they were kidnapped.”

“Dunno, little chicken. But we homeless people won’t be missed anyway,” he dryly said before waving goodbye.

“Riley, huh…” you muttered more to yourself, then straightened your posture so you could hand out more food to the next Muggle.

“Hi, would you like to have roasted potatoes and beef for the main course? There’s also a very delicious vegetable soup on the menu today.”

“Can I order a _________, then?” James amused voice sounded, as he lifted his hood and removed his scarf that was wrapped around his face.

“James! What are you doing here?” You blurted out, before laughing loudly while you ran around the counter, throwing yourself into his arms. He chuckled and whirled you around, certainly gaining the attention of the remaining people that were sitting at the countless tables, eating their dinner.

“I came to personally bring your wedding invitation,” he smiled, the corner of his eyes slightly crinkling.

“Merlin’s beard, really?! I am so happy for you!” you giggled, into his chest. Seeing his familiar face made you realize how much you had missed your friends. “She said yes earlier than I’ve expected, James. How are you all? Where’s she? Did she come too?”

“Slow down, ______. She’s outside with the others, they’re standing guard.”

“The others?”

Panic rose inside your body, you weren’t prepared to see Remus yet and surely with “the others”, James meant Remus as well. Oh blimey, how were you going to face him? Should you say hi and smile? Should you ignore him? Or should you act normal?

How the hell were you supposed to act after walking out on him, telling him that you didn’t want to be friends?

You felt your cheeks redden.

“Yes, Sirius and Peter and Lils. Remus is on a mission. Got a minute? We have something to talk to you about.”

Relief washed over your body like soft prickles and slowly, the blood rushed back to its place.

“I, uhm,” you glanced at the small queue that was forming, “I don’t think I can right now. I need to finish this.”

“That’s okay. We will wait, then,” he grinned.

“Do you guys want to sit down here and eat?”

“That sounds good. Sirius has been complaining ever since we left.”

“Bring the rest in, I will get you something to eat when I am done.”

* * *

 

“Lils!” you wrapped your arm around the young woman next to you, smelling her familiar scent, flowery and freshly washed linen. “Congratulations on your engagement.”

“Hi there, stranger,” she laughed but returned the hug just as tight. “You’re the bridesmaid, just so you know.”

“I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

“Where’s my hug?” Sirius interrupted your moment with a cheeky smile. He was sitting next to Peter on the other side of the table.

“Later. How is everyone? How is the Order?” you asked as they all started eating. James pulled his wand out, almost unnoticeable, before casting a spell that would grant you some privacy. In an instant, you knew that things were rather confidential.

“We’re all well,” Sirius answered after swallowing.

“About that, we actually came here to ask you whether you could join the Order as well.”

“Me, join the Order?” you repeated, a little dumbfounded.

“Oh, the meat is very tender,” James mumbled next to Lily.

“Try the potatoes,” Peter softly recommended.

“They’re good!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Boys,” Lily groaned, “But yes, we need more people and you’re the perfect candidate.”

“I…I don’t know whether that is a good idea, Lils,” you slowly replied, unsure of whether you wanted to join or not. “I mean, sure, I wasn’t bad at school. But to join the Order and doing missions? Shouldn’t Aurors do that?”

“Like I have told you, it’s not an official organization. We operate in secret.”

“Lily, I don’t want to participate in illegal things either. It’s enough that I illegally became an Animagus.”

Peter dropped his fork in surprise, his eyes widening.

“You’re an Animagus too?”

“Yes, I-“

“She was the fox, didn’t you know?” Sirius explained rather unimpressed. He didn’t seem to mind that he had just interrupted you.

“I didn’t!”

“Holy mother of Merlin, Wormtail. What do you think all the drama was about?”

“I don’t know, I thought Remus was jealous of Sirius!” Peter defended himself and James, Sirius and him got themselves into a big discussion. Lily shook her head and looked down her plate while she was cutting another piece of meat.

“Back to the topic. You were, or are, excellent at DADA. Plus, you have no problem to disguise yourself as Muggle from what I have seen. You’ve always been very good at Muggle Studies as well. And we need that.”

She paused and you tilted your head slightly; not saying anything. You knew that she hadn’t finished yet.

“Lately, we have stumbled upon the fact that a lot of homeless Muggles had disappeared. We think that there’s a connection to the Wizarding World.”

“You mean….?” You trailed off, eyes wide in shock.

“You’re right. We suspect that it’s you-know-who’s doing.” James finished the sentence and you could see a shockingly serious expression on his face. He had matured so much ever since he was going out with Lily. Sometimes, it was still a surprise to you.

“Henry told me that just recently two Muggles disappeared,” you then breathlessly said. “These events are tied together?”

“That’s what we think. And the Order would like you to investigate that. Along with another member. You won’t have to go on your own for now,” Sirius assured you.

“I…,” you thought about the smiling Riley and Martha with her bubbly personality, despite having deep wrinkles on her face. Your doubts were slowly crumbling, the more you thought about these two innocent people that could have been kidnapped by atrocious Death Eaters.

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course,” Lily immediately answered, putting her hand on your arm in order to comfort. “Of course you can.”

* * *

 

Remus returned for James’ and Lily’s wedding, coming back from a long, tiring mission. He felt uncomfortable, estranged in his human form, because he had been with werewolves for too long. His limbs felt stiff and he found himself to have adapted to several animal traits.

He hadn’t heard much of the rest of the Marauders for months and would only occasionally send Patronuses to report news or updates to Albus Dumbledore, his former headmaster and now the founder of the Order of Phoenix.

So ever since he was back to his small flat, things had been eerily quiet and he found himself feeling rather restless the more days he crossed out on his calendar that was hanging on the wall.

The other day, they had had James’ stag party which they celebrated as animals the first few hours of the evening, roaming through the forest just like old times, before strolling through the nightlife of the city, collecting corks and beer mats from every possible pub. That night, Peter had drunkenly informed him that you had joined the Order as well, just recently. That little piece of information was enough to turn his stomach into a milkshake. Because of course, you were going to attend the wedding. You were Lily’s best friend and there was no other girl who would’ve been suited better for this position.

But he hadn’t seen you since graduation.

And you didn’t know what happened after your talk, either.

* * *

 

Seeing him for the first after such a long time was as if you had never stopped seeing each other. It was like swallowing living butterflies and they were going on rampage inside your stomach. He looked thinner than in your memory and the weight loss defined his facial features, making him handsome as ever. But aside of that and the soft stubbles on his chin, Remus hadn’t changed at all.

Kind, green eyes were glancing over at you, shyly, a soft but sad smile played about his lips. He seemed lonely, forlornly sitting away from the crowds, jiggling the wine in the glass like a lost child. Small lights were playfully illuminating his scarred face.

James and Lily had picked a winter garden as the wedding venue and it was decorated beautifully in autumn colours. Warm colours that suited both James and Lily. Ivy and glittering lights were tarrying at the entrance and inside, light grey tables in the old, rustic style were lined in rows, each of them bearing beautiful decoration in the colours of her hair. It was a dream of a wedding, but down-to-earth and humble, small; just like Lily’s personality.

“Hi,” his voice was raspy when you slowly took a seat next to him, straightening your dress like as one should.

“Hi,” you awkwardly replied, “Can I sit here?”

“Of course,” his voice was soft and for a moment, the two of you just watched James leading Lily onto the small, improvised dance floor. Her white dress was floating with every step and James, James smiled down in sheer happiness. He had removed his jacket of his tuxedo and his white shirt was already wrinkled, just like you had expected.

You had to chuckle.

“How have you been?” he then asked and there were so many emotions in his gaze, it was unbearable for you to look at him anymore.

“I’m doing well,” you looked at your own glass, nervous. You were glad that you were sitting because for sure, your knees would have given away. You didn't know why you were here, with Remus.

Peter held up his champagne glass for a small toast.

There was more silence because none of you actually knew how to go on. Certainly, there were other questions on your mind and other things he wanted to say.

“They’ve sent you on a long mission. I haven’t seen you around ever since I joined,” you continued, taking a sip of the champagne.

“Yes, I was with the werewolves to find out what was happening between the ranks. Ever since the old alpha male was murdered, things are going a bit downhill, to put it mildly,” he laughed but it sounded hollow and tired.

“You must be tired.”

“I am. It’s very strange to be back in my original form.”

“I can imagine. It was already an odd feeling to change back after spending the night in fox form,” you whispered, looking at him. But even he could tell, that you were far away right now. Remus’ hand reached out to place itself on your waist, the side where you were carrying his sin. You flinched slightly because of course, this was a very intimate gesture.

“I never apologized for this.”

“Nor have I thanked you.”

He drew his hand away again and immediately, you felt a strange feeling of loss.

“It was my decision, Remus. I just wanted to see you safe, I guess.”

“Would you like to dance?” He smiled, slightly, almost cheekily and at this moment, he looked much younger. Almost like the boy from before everything shattered. Because you couldn’t suppress your feelings.

“Sure,” you placed your hand in his warm, open one, letting him pull you with him. “But I am sure Maya would have decided the same.”

Your waist was burning from his touch and so was your hand, the hand that was intertwined with his. The two of you started to dance, a slow waltz. It was offbeat and at your own pace but it was alright somehow.

“I broke her heart,” he confessed and there was hurt in his voice and his eyes. Your heart squeezed and fluttered at the same time. How awful of a person were you, getting all excited over this, even if it was just a little?

“You still love her,” you simply said and he gripped your hand a little tighter.

“I do. But it wasn’t fair to be with her when my mind is somewhere else.”

“Remus, you loved Maya so much. You can’t just break up with her like that. Even I couldn’t stand a chance and I am…I was… your best friend. Who is that person that is good enough to make you decide that way? ” you softly shook your head, using a light, teasing tone. But the intensity of his look drained the air out of your lungs and took the words away, the ones that you just wanted to utter.

He was looking at you.

“I am sorry I didn’t realize your feelings, _______. I am sorry for hurting you, for letting you suffer on your own. And I am a fool, because I had to lose you first in order to figure out how much you mean to me,” he pulled you closer and his thumb stroked your skin in small circles.

Your breath hitched and words tangled together; you almost choked. Before finding them again.

“Remus, you never really lost me. We’re still friends, aren’t we?” your voice broke slightly.

“Are we?” The lights reflected in his moss green eyes. He looked at Sirius for a second.  _I am sorry, mate_ , he thought.

“Well, at least I still regard you as my friend.”

“Despite the…small break,” you quickly added, your heart was thumping in your chest. Why was he looking at you like that?

Remus stayed quiet for a moment, just swaying back and forth with you. And he scrambled the words together; strung and weaved them into a sentence that he had been carrying in his heart.

_I am sorry. Sirius._

“I want to be more than that.” He was selfish.

You felt as if someone had just poured a bucket of cold water over you, right before throwing you into hot water.

“Remus…” you began.

“Please tell me it’s not too late,” he pleaded, furrowing his brows. You could see the painful hope in the way he looked at you; a hint of a smile, almost invisible, lingering around the corner of his lips.

“It is too late, isn’t it?” The smile faltered.

“It’s not,” you choked out and then they were there. The tears.

“Even after all this time, it hasn’t changed at all. How dare you say this right now. I absolutely hate it, not being able to forget you after a year of not seeing you,” your voice sounded a bit higher than usual, almost hysterical. But your buried your face in his chest, sobbing. Crying about everything and nothing.

About nothing and everything.

“I love you,” he stopped dancing so he could properly wrap his arms around you.

You couldn’t answer, too blurry was the view, too messy were the feelings inside your mind. You just kept looking at him, soft sobs escaping over your lips.

He smiled though, gently and affectionate while he wiped your tears with his thumbs.

“Hey. Can I kiss you?”

* * *

 

“Seems like they made it,” Peter stated, oblivious to the impact of what they were seeing.

James’ arm was wrapped around Lily and the newlyweds shared a concerned look before glancing over at their friend.

“Yeah, “Sirius muttered softly.

But Lily could see it all in his eyes.

horribly broken.

 


End file.
